Another Depressing Blog.

Its been a while since I've blogged, but my internet was down and everything has been pretty tough lately. For so many weeks, I've been consumed by this anger, and I've lashed out at pretty much every person who loves me. And now here I am, and for the first time I realised that the anger has faded. Its not gone, and I have no doubt that it will return, and when it does, I will feel this surge of hatred for him again. But right now, all I feel is a sense of loss. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a parent that I've not lost. He just walked away. Just like that. And it kills me. 

 

We all like to think that we're our parents world. Okay, so we fight, and we use teenage angst against them and we moan, and they moan, and its a vicious circle. But under it all, all we can hope is that our parents love us onconditionally, for whatever mistakes we make, that they're there for us any time, any place, any day of the bloody week. So for one of those two people to just wake up one day and walk away from you, well it breaks even the strongest of people. Because how do you cope with that? How do you begin to explain it to yourself in a way that doesn't hurt you? 

I have this ache inside of me, and I just want to cry all of the time. And every time I ache from crying, and my eyes are puffy and I have snot literally covering my face, it doesn't get better. Or easier. It hurt so much more. And what hurts the most is knowing if you really allowed yourself to give in to the pain, and emotion, then who knows how long it could take before the tears stop falling, before you can cry your eyes and move on. Because right now, crying is the only thing that seems to make it okay. 

 

So here I am, having had no contact from my dad, and feeling lost for the first time. I don't know what to do most of the time. I feel so many different emotions, I don't really know what to do. But I do know that with every tear that falls from my eye, I hate you. I don't feel as though you deserve any emotion from me, but I cry because I deserve that release. I deserve to be able to find a way to deal with what you're putting me through. And to any person who ever said tears are a sign a weakness, then you're wrong. I've been strong for so many weeks now, and I still am, but every person has the right to mourn the loss of a person they never thought they'd lose.

iTrust.

I don't know at what point in my life my trust issues became so fucked up, but they are. Freud can sit here, and analyze that due to my dads new casonova status that he affected me, or some could argue it was when my first boyfriend cheated on me, and then I continued to date people who didn't appreciate me until they'd let me go. But during some period in twenty one years of my existance, I lost the ability to trust. And here I am, at the most emotional time in my life so far, and I have this amazing boyfriend by my side. But when did that not become enough? When was it not enough to have everything. A boyfriend who is an open as I am myself about how he feels for me, how much he loves me. He takes care of me, and makes me feel secure, and hes there whenever I need him, I know he is. And yet somewhere, inside, I continue to push, push, push. And its because I'm scared to trust in him, scared that he might take the same route all the men in my life have taken, the exit. Scared that he might wake up one day and realise that I'm not that girl for him. And so I push.  I have every thing I have ever wanted in a guy, and I push him away.

 

And the most fucked up part about it is that deep down, I know I trust him. I know that he means what he says, and that it'd kill him to see me hurt. I know that he's as good as its going to get, because no person could ever compare to him. He's that one in a million guy. And I ask myself again, why the fuck are you so scewed up?

Dear, Sperm Donar;

I woke up today, and I hate you. It's not resentment. I'm not just disapointed in you. Or let down, or angry beyond any form of verbal explanation. Hate. Just one word, one syllable, four letters. And it describes how I feel for you, my own father. The person who half made me. Whose been there every single day since I was born. The person who fucking up and left without explanation, leaving behind him nothing but a string of lies, and hurt. And that is the only emotion I feel for you. It's taken over the huge resentment I felt for you before, and overwiped any love that I still had for you, and now all I feel is hate. 

I hate you for every single thing you ever done to hurt us. For so many years, I felt this bubbling anger, and at times it felt like it would consume me. I'd lash out, and snap, and get annoyed over such stupid things, and now when I look back I know that its because a part of me knew. It knew you were a shitty person. It knew you were doing stuff to betray mum, and me and Matt, your family, your own flesh and blood. I've had to live with your lies, lying to myself and acting like you weren't that shady person for so long, and I took it all on. And I hate you for that.

I hate the person you are. I hate you for having such a good family and throwing it away for absolutely nothing. And most of all, I hate you because I no longer have a father.

Dear, Mum;

God, so much has changed since the last time I blogged about you. There's so much bitterness, and anger and resentment in my life at the moment, but one of the things that brightens up all of those dark, horrible feelings that ruin life is you. You are amazing, and if I ever told you it before, believe that I've never meant it more than I do now. And not because you're strong, but because you're a beautiful person, you really are. The world needs a few more people like you, and a lot less of the types who betray, and hurt on a regular basis. 

I want you to know that I will never stop needing you. I will always ask your advice on pretty much everything, whether or not I like the answer, and even though it probably wouldn't change my mind, but I ask because I care what you think. I will never stop coming to you when I'm upset, because there will never be a time when you can't momentarily mend me. You can't take this pain away, but you make it a hell of a lot better. I will always laugh with you as silly things, because that's what life's about. I will always share my news with you, whether its appropaite or not, because I want you to know the details of my life. We hold too much back for people, and sometimes, we just need to share it with a person. You're that person. When, one day, I move out, I will be on the end of that phone pretty much daily because I will always want to hear your voice. I could live in LA, New York, on Mars, and you'd still be home to me. One day, when I get married, there's not a person I want more than for you to be there. By my side, through it all. And when I'm pregnant, you'll be the person that I want with me, through it all, because who else would I want? And when my baby is here in the world, you're the person I'll be phoning for every single query, because you've been there before, and you can always learn from your mum. 

So, he may have gone, Mum, but you've never been more needed. You're single handedly the most important person in my life, and nothing will ever change that. And I want you to know that I am so proud of you. You could've fallen apart, and nobody would have blamed you, but you've held it together, and I admire you, Mum. I admire the person you are, because if ever there was a role model, then you're it. The qualities you have are the ones that more people need, and that's why it angers me when I think about what he did. A person like you deserve to be loved in such a magical way. And I promise you that one day, whether it be in a few months, a year, or even ten, you will meet someone, and that person will be every single thing you ever deserved. I want that for you.

But until then it's just us three, and Rusty and Seth. And Jack, he's pretty much part of the furniture now, anyway. And we're gonna be okay, because we have love in our lives, and as long as we have that and our sense of humour, we're gonna be just fine. Broke, maybe, but just fine.

I love you, and I always will.

- Lo x

Quote of the Moment.

"Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain, and makes someone feel wonderful again."

A thought.

In the past few thinks, I've really thought a lot. About the person I am, and the person other people percieve you to be. And for a while, I blamed myself for my dad leaving. Was I, perhaps, too grumpy, too moany? Did I not go to him enough, and share enough? Did I not make him feel like I loved him? But then I got angry with myself, and I thought, fuck you. I'm a hormonal teenager, I hate the world and love it in equal measures, and sometimes I'm just angry. At everything, and nothing at the same time. I get pissed off easily, but those times are outnumbered by the times when I'm happy. And I am a loving person. Its in my nature to show the people closest to me how much they mean to me. So I said a huge fuck you to him for ever making me doubt myself, or the person I am. Because I'm one of the good people, and we all know the world is falling short on them. 

And you know what makes me sad? That all I ever wanted from him was for him to show me that he actually loved me. To not hug me because I'd gone to hug him. But to come up to me, reach out and just pull me into his arms. Or to tell me that he loved me without saying me having said it first. I just wanted to feel like I had a dad who wanted to be a part of my life. I guess I always felt that he didn't love me, and I'm not writing this blog, and hoping that all who are reading it are getting out their mini violins, and playing me a sad symphonyto the sound of my own pity party tune. I just want you all to understand that sometimes, we can spend so long chasing something that isn't there, and sometimes, theres not a damn thing we could've done differently. Some people are just born into this world to disapoint, and to look after themselves, and we're all better off without them. And that's the thing I've learnt the most.

What I Learnt In Two Weeks.

1;  That I have the strongest mum, ever. In two weeks, everything she thought was her life has literally fallen apart, and its all been built on lies. And I've watched her cry, and break down. I've seen her take control of our lives. And I've let her comfort me. And during it all, I've seen this strength I always knew was inside of her, and she amazes me. And she'll be okay. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. Or this side of 2011. But one day she will smile again, and she won't feel betrayal, or pain. She'll let those feelings go, and when she does, there we'll be. By her side through it all. Just us three. 

2;  That working in a job just because it funds your ever growing shoe addiction will never make it any more bearable. If there was ever a time for me to chase my dreams, its now. 

3;  I am so proud of my brother Matthew for his achievements out in Thailand, and can't express enough for pleased for him I am that he's been living his own dream out there. But I miss him. And the selfish side of me that needs comfort, and familiarity wants him to come home. The 1st can't come quick enough.

4; That tears don't mean you're a weak person. here have been times during these past two weeks where I've not cried, and I've been able to speak without getting upset. But there’s also been times when I can't help but cry, or do anything except cry, and no any person who sees crying as a weakness, you're wrong. We cry because we need the release, and because sometimes, its the only thing we can do to grieve. 

5;  That I have some pretty amazing people in my life, family and friends, as well as work colleagues. It takes a situation that turns your world upside down for you to realise whose actually there for you. 

6;  That my love for Jack literally grows every day. Never before have I loved a person like I do him, and I'm so lucky he's a part of my life. 

7; I no longer have a dad. He walked out of my life without so much as a truthful explanation, a goodbye, or a genuine apology. He lied to me for pretty much half of my life, and I will never forgive him for the things he's done to my mum, me, or my brother. I've lost family in the last two weeks, but the family I have left are all that I need because they're the good people. The ones who do love me unconditionally, and who deserve to be a fixture in my life. 

8; People who use a tragedy as an excuse to lash out with their vicious words, and have an opinion aren't worthwhile people. They're sad. And something fundamental must be missing in their life is they choose to become to involved with another persons life. 

9; Theo Cullen, welcome to the family. I already love you :)