Bubble.

I feel better. Better than I have in a really long time, which is strange. Sometimes, you just plod along in life and you don't realise that you've lost a part of yourself. You know, your sparkle, or whatever it is you want to call it. And recently, I've been a person I've not liked. I've felt so low, I can't ever imagine feeling lower. I've cried for days, smiled for one, and then cried again, and it felt like those tears wouldn't stop. Like they'd keep falling from my eyes, and I would drown in this wave of pain, and emotion, and it felt like it would never get better. But it did, and it has. And I finally feel happier than I have in a really long time, even before my dad left. I realise now that I was lost for a really long time, and my dad leaving didn't create that lost person. He hurt me, I can't deny that. But I was broken for a long time before he left us, I think he just triggered this depression, but I feel okay. I've let go of the burning anger. I still cry, I don't know if this will stop soon, but now when I cry, its not because I'm hurting, I cry for the memories. I cry for the times that I miss, and will never get back. I cry for the memory of a life when my dad was in my every day life. I cry because I crave those memories, the times when he'd smile and be happy, or we'd watch something together. And more than anything else, I cry for my mum. For the fact that she will never again have those times with my dad that they had before. I cry for the fact the next time we go on holiday as a family, he won't be there. They won't wake up at the crack of dawn, and go along to the beach and have a coffee. My dad will never spoil my mum rotten, treating her to pretty things that she deserves. I will never see my dad in his holiday mode, relaxed and happy, as my mum and him joke around and laugh. And I cry because I crave these moments. I want them back, but they're gone. They'll remain memories, and nothing more. And finally I cry because it's true, so true. You never realise what you had until you no longer have it. And at times, I took my dad for granted, and now he's gone, and I just want him to know I love him.

Reblog.

The Life's Shit Blues.

I find that the mere word depression is depressing. It's such an ugly word, isn't it? I mean, is there even such a thing as depression? Or is it just that sometimes life is so shit, that we simply just can't pick ourselves up. In which case, it shouldn't be called depression, and instead the-lifes-shit-blues. TLSB for short, of course.

I am at the lowest point of my life. I've never been in such a horrible, dark place before. And I don't know whats wrong. The doctor called it 'acute reaction stress' but that doesn't seem to justify the way I feel. I mean, is it down to the fact my dad up and left? Or did this stem from the fact my life seems to have no meaning at the moment? A few months ago, I had University, and then the prospect of easily finding a job, and making lots of money. And yet here I am, months onwards, and its harder to get a job than I thought. I'm still slaving away in retail for a wage that doesn't allow me the luxury of not worrying about money. Or is it down to the fact I feel a spotty, fat, ugly mess? I have roots spouting out my head because I'm unsure of what colour to dye it next. The scales are actually on my side for once, but I feel fat, which can only be down to the comfort carbs I've been devouring lately. Hello, pot noodles, and chocolate. And as for getting fit, I can barely drag myself out of bed at a decent hour to have breakfast, let alone sweat it out to an 80 minute exercise DVD. And I no longwr have an interest in facebook. Once upon a time, it was my daily source of gossip. The first thing I'd do when I woke up would be to divuldge in my news feed to see what arguments were going down, or who was now in a realtionship, or more seriously, knocked up. The thought alone of deactivating my facebook and being without such constant updates horrified me. Surely you couldn't go cold turkey overnight? Surely there must be a facebook rehab? Well apparently not. And as I confirmed my deactivation, nothing changed. No heart convulsion of sheer shock took over my body. I wasn't short of breath, or having palpitations. I felt nothing.

So, I'm going to go crawl back into my bed, and hibernate underneath my duvet, and listen to Ben Howard, and hope that tomorrow, I feel better.

A Cliché.

I don't know when it happened, but I've become an absolute cliché. Overnight, I've become that gushingly romantic girl that talks about her boyfriend non-stop. I'm the girl who sits and writes blogs about him, and writes indirect facebook and twitter statuses about him, but I have never before ever felt so in love. I adore every inch of this boy. From the tip of his head, to the end of his foot. I could sit and stare at him for hours on end, and not get bored. I could count the freckles on his nose, and trace the shape of his shoulders with my finger tips. He is literally the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing on my mind before sleep. When I'm with him, I fall asleep pressed up against him. And when I'm not, I miss his so much it kind of hurts.

And every single time I tell him I love him, I can't quite believe how lucky I am. 

The Help.

I've just watched The Help, and firstly, I'd like to express to whoever is reading this what an amazing film it is. I started reading the book on my Kindle, but put it to the side and forgot about it. But today, I bought the actual book, and decided to get back into it, and the film is absolutely amazing, but so sad, and tragic. 

You know, I have strong views, and when I think back to my ancestors who fought for women to have a voice, I feel a sense of achievement that I have my own voice. Too many women are afraid to stand up for what they believe in, even in the twenty first century. They stay with men who make them feel low, and unattractive. They let their boyfriends, or husbands cheat on them, and then they take them back. Far too many people are scared to take a stand, and tell these people that are no good to keep one foot in front of the other, and walk out of their lives! And sometimes, I feel that my stubbornness is a bad quality. When I think I'm right, I'm determined to show that to people. And when I feel strongly for something, I'm passionate about it to the point of being arrogant. And if somebody I loved was to stand in front of me and admit to infidelity after telling me that he loved me, then I'd tell him to turn around, and walk right out of my life. But now I realise those attributes aren't bad qualities to have. I'm not a doormat, and nor will I be treated like one. And I have my own opinion, and I'm free to express that. And I will do. 

But when I look back at the times, not that long ago, when black and white people were segregated, it makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. What single minded idiot woke up one day and decided that he was better than a black person? What made that person feel like they had the right to belittle someone of a different ethnicity? Because I would like to go back in time and meet that person, and tell them exactly what I think of their ignorant attitude. 

There is so excuse for racism. I don't give a damn that somebody got shot and their killer was black. Or that someone was mugged, and the attacker was black. There is just as much violence caused by white people as there is black, and their race has not a damn thing to do with their actions. People are equal. Whether they're white, black, chinese, indian, whatever! Aside from their skin, they're born with exactly the same limbs, and organs. We all breathe and same, and eat the same way, and we all shit and piss in the same way. So WHO are YOU to decide that you're better than a person? Just the fact that you're judgemental is enough to showcase that how wrong you are. 

It really sickens me that during the race divide, black people were branded ‘niggas’, and ‘negros’. And that they had to go through separate doors, and use different toilets. That they weren't good enough to socialise with, but were good enough to be left along with their children? It doesn't make sense, and it truly disgusts me that people could be treated so poorly. It makes me so angry that the colour of a person’s skin can affect their whole entire lives. And to any person that is racist, I want you to understand that you're the kinds of people that the world really doesn't need. 

So Simple, So True.

Last night, through tears and tantrums, he said those words to me. The words that every girl wishes to hear at least once in her lifetime, and from someone they care about, too.

"You're the one."

I didn't reply. Not because I was crying, or because I don't feel the same. Not even because I was absorbing the anormity of the words he had just said to me. But because I was suddenly hit with this overwhelming force of emotion because I knew there and then that he's the one, too. 

Dear, Future;

You know, one thing that has surprised me a lot this year, and it’s the fact I've realised I can't wait to be a mum. Before, life to me was about money, and having a career, and not even considering having children until I’m in the midst of my thirties, and my eggs are practically on the brink of extinction. But I find that I crave that now, that family. I'm not saying I'm ready to meet you now, because I’m really not. There's still so much that I need to do, and see before I dedicate the rest of my life to you. To being there for you, every second of every single day. But I do know that I look forward to that time in my life now. 

At the moment, I'm going through a pretty hard time. But you need to know that that's just life. It's not an easy ride, and if you were to ever go through life without feeling anger, or pain, or being upset then you're not really alive, or living. Because its those difficult times, and those emotions that you feel that then define you. They make you a stronger person, and you're able to learn from them. Those hard times are fundamental to life because they enable you to grow from them, and its during those moments that you realise not only your worth, but the types of people you want to let into your life. 

I'm with a guy named Jack at the moment, Jack Edney, and I can single handedly tell you that he is the love of my life. I hope that he becomes not only my husband one day, but the father to you. He's so kind, and he's funny, and when I look at him my heart absolutely melts because I can never quite believe he's all mine. And for the first time in my life, I know he's as scared to lose me as I am him. I've dated a few boys, and all have hurt me, and played games, and most likely cheated. And it took being screwed around by those boys for me to really appreciate how special, and unique Jack is. And he really is, and I don't believe in God but I thank someone, somewhere every day that he came into my life. 

My generation is obsessed with social networking sights. At first, it was all about myspace.com, and now its facebook, and Twitter, and tumblr. People criticise us for using them so much, but I like being able to look back on my life, at my statuses, and the quotes I shared with everyone. But more than that, I have my blog. This blog that you'll someday read, hopefully, and you'll be able to read back over my life, over the times when  I was really happy, or the times when I was heart broken and hurting. You can read it all, and get a glimpse into what my life’s like at this current moment, or before, and even in the next few years. I'll write about it all, and its all for you.

I have no idea what you'll look like, or even really what you'll be called. I used to be positive if you were a girl it'd be Ivy, but I'll explain to you one day why it'll never be that name. At the moment I love Marley, or Sofia. And if you're a boy, I really like Noah, or Nathaniel. But Jack's positive if he has a boy, it'll be Harry. So I guess we'll have to see . . . but if you're a girl, or a boy, it doesn't matter. There might even be two or three of you reading this now, and if there is, I love you all. And this is me, at twenty one telling you however many years into the future that you'll continue to be so loved for the rest of your lives. That I'll be here for you, without judgement to listen and help with any problem you find yourself in. My mum has always been here for me, no matter what situations I've gotten myself into, and she's never judged me, and I'm going to be exactly the same with you all.

I want you to know that its okay to make mistakes. Date the wrong people, get so drunk you throw up and vow never to drink again, until the following week when you find yourself in exactly the same situation. Get the bestgrades you can at school, and then find a career that you'll enjoy, not just something that'll make you a lot of money, because you have to enjoy work, that's one thing I do know from working endlessly in a job I hate just to fund my shoe addiction. Travel, you know, see the world. England will be home, but its just a small part of what makes up the world, and there are places out there so beautiful, it'll be a shame for you to never visit them.

So here it is, my life, I guess. And I'm sure there's a lot more to come after this blog. I hope so.

Until we meet in the future, all my love,

- Your mum x