Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Clock of Life.

I never thought broody would be a word to define me at age stage of my life, not until I was on the verge of turning thirty, had a wardrobe full of LouBoutin that could compensate for spending the next decade buying nappies, and clothes, and shoes so small not even my big toe would fit them. 
But I am. I want to have a child, and to be depended on the the rest of my life. I want to watch them grow, feed them that baby goo that looks like reguritated sick, but I hear is actually quite addictive. I want to bake cakes with my children, and take them to the park, spoil them with toys. Don't get me wrong, I don't want all of that at this exact moment in time, not really. If God did a Mary on me and presented my womb with a baby, I would probably cry for nine months straight. I'm not ready for my vagina to be split apart. But it's strange that, as you get older, you want things you didn't before. My goal before University was to graduate, make shit loads of money, and then fritter it away on LouBoutins (investments!) and clothes (kind of investments!). But I want a family. I want to be a mother. My boyfriend once said to me he couldn't imagine not wanting children because that's why he feels we're born. And he's right, we're born with the ability to create life, and carry it inside of us (I think that its a bit Aliens VS Predator!).

Recently, a friend of my boyfriends died. He was just twenty one, the same age that we are, and he died in a car crash. I don't know where he was going, or coming from, but I would bet in those minutes leading up to the accident, and his death, that he didn't expect to die that night. That when he left his house to go out, he expected to go home again, safe and sound. But we never do, do we? We hear of deaths, and tragedies that happen, but somewhere in side of us, we're convinced that bad stuff won't happen to us. Every human being has that belief inside, howeevr small, or big, that they're invincible. But no one is. Life can be taken at literally any second.

And I'm scared of life. Scared of just that; that it can be taken away from any of us at any second. Maybe through a sickness, or through a freak accident, or from another person. You just don't know what's going to happen to you. You like to think you'll live to an old age, and die in your sleep, or something peaceful, and dignified. But when you really think hard, about life, and how precious it is, fear creeps in, because its something you can't buy. When its gone, it's gone. There's no buying it back, or turning back the time. 

And its when something like this happens that I get scared for wanting to be a mother one day. Scared that something will happen to me, that my life will me cut short, and I won't have that. And you can't think like that, I know, but you when someone the same age as you has their life taken away in about five minutes, you can't really stop yourself, can you?