Thursday, 29 September 2011

One Lie.

I lied to him. He asked me if I trusted him, and I said yes. But the truth is, I don't know if I'll ever fully trust anybody. Situations in the past have always proven to me that people aren't always as they seem. Even the nicest of people can lie, and be decietful. We're humans, it's somewhat a second nature to us to lie, whether it be something small or something big. We do it to protect ourselves, and those around us. Sometimes to spare someones feelings. But we all do it. So how can you trust one person to never hurt you? 
I don't think you can. 

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Pedistool of Love.

How is it that we allow ourselves to do that? To put a person up there on a pedistool, yet never put ourselves up there? We can allow ourselves to become so consumed by another being, to practically idolise them. We'll trace every single detail of their faces, mould ourselves to their body, do anything we can to please that person, and yet still not feel like we're good enough. Still feel like we don't deserve to be with them in the first place.

And I don't know why we never do so, but we never put ourselves up there. We always pick faults in ourselves. We're too fat, too curvy. Our boobs aren't high enough, or big enough, or they look shit without a bra. And when it comes to our appearences? Our noses are too big, or our mouths too small, and as for our eyebrows? Why can't we get that precision between slugs, and worms right? 

But you know, we will never look perfect in the mornings. We're human. We'll fall asleep in awkward positions, and when we wake up, we will have a bad case of bed hair. We can't fall asleep in make-up just so that we wake up and feel adequate. We'll go to sleep bare faced, and wake up the same way, and until we can accept that thats the way we look, then how can we expect other people too? 
Nobody is better than anbody else, I know that. And by us putting people above ourselves, we're allowing ourselves to feel like we fall short, that we're not good enough. Every person shines in a different way, whether its the infectious laugh they have, or their bright personality, or their intellect. And a person who judges another person on their looks will have a shallow relationship. A person who can see past the way you look in the mornings, and the times when hormones consume you and you're just angry, and can still look at you in the exact same way, still tell you that you're gorgeous, then they're the ones who are worth being a fixture in our lives. Because those people are real, and honest. And all you need is for somebody to look at you in the exact same way each and every time they see you.

That's true love. 

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Monday, 19 September 2011

What I Learnt This Weekend.

1; That I have myself a pretty damn perfect boyfriend. Nobody has ever made me this secure, or this happy. And I hope that he's here for the long haul.
2; Jealously is only a feeling that people allow you to feel when they're not worth it. The right person will make you feel so secure, so beautiful, and so happy that you won't care when they get a text, or mention a girls name. Those that thrive on you feeling jealously because it gets them some kind of testosterone rush are pathetic.
3; I love my parents, but I am ready to think about moving out. I spent a week home alone, and it wasn't scary. I think that I'm finally growing up, but this is no way reflects a dent in our relationship, I love my parents more than life itself, and my mum will always be my best friend. 
4; Sometimes missing somebody isn't enough. Sometimes there are just too many negative energies, and faults for a friendship to work, and its sad, but you have to let go of people. Needless to say, we'll never ever forget them, even if we wanted to.
5; My best friend makes me laugh like nobody else. On an application to Easy Jet, they asked, 'Why do you want to work for Easy Jet?' To which she replied, 'I like the colour orange.' I'm easily amused, and our humor is childish, but I cherish those moments. 
6; Situations can change quickly, and the way in which a males brain works will never fail to astound me. 
7; I can actually cook, and not take the house down with me. I might become a housewife yet . . .
8; Jeffrey Campbell are on par with my love for LouBoutins.
9; I'm the happiest I've been in years.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

I heart.

Absolutely in love <3

Stepping Stone.

If a year ago, someone had told me that this time next year, I'd be with him, then I wouldn't have bought it. But it's funny isn't it? The way that people who've always been there in our lives, lingering somewhere in the background, but just close enough to not fade away, suddenly become so significant to us. How they could open up our hearts, take away our trust issues, and make us smile like nobody else before. How they can become someone to us.

I feel like I'm falling in love for the first time. And it's scary, it really is. But I'm not scared about messing up anymore. I'm scared of exactly that; love. Scared that I'm the first person he's let this close, fully let in, and allowed himself to feel something for. I'm at a stage in my life where I feel like, for the first time, that I'm ready for something serious, and long-term. I truly feel like Jack is this fixture in my life that I can't see myself without now. And I want it to slowly progress into something bigger, and bigger. And he says he wants that, too. I connect with this guy in a way that I've never done so before. But a part of me feels that this is new for him, and what if he wakes up one day, and I become exactly that? His first love. You know, the one that you plan all of that stuff with. First its the name of the pet you'll get, then it's a bit more serious and you're talking baby names. And then houses, and where you'd like to get married. But what if he wakes up one day, and decides that I was just a stepping stone. An experience. A first time love. 

I'm not sure whether my heart could take that. 

But that's love, isn't it? You go in and slowly you lose reservations, and you let this person into your mind, and your heart, and you never really know how far it'll go. You just have to live life like a stepping stone, taking one step at a time.

Monday, 12 September 2011

The Right Choices.

Today, I started going out with a guy named Jack. And you'll be glad to know that he's the good guy. Not the bad boy, nor the game player. The most straightforward and affectionate guy I think I've ever known. And he makes me feel like I deserve to be with somebody who is good for me. Somebody that will never stop kissing me, and holding me. Someone who will tell me that I look nice, even during those times when I know that I really don't look my best.

And for the first time, I don't feel jealous, or paranoid. And I'm not living in the fear that he's going to break my heart, or hurt me in any way. 

There's a quote in The Adjustment Bureau where David says, "All I have are the choices I make, and I choose her." 

That quote feels relevant to my life. For the first time in my life, I'm not chasing the ones who will hurt me, but letting myself be with somebody who is going to treat me just right, who makes me smile, and laugh, and who I simply cannot get enough of. 

I feel like I deserve to smile.

You could say life is good. 

And I think that I could fall for him.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Twenty First Century Fuckup.

For so long, I've thought about the perfect guy. Been consumed by the mere idea of him. I've blogged about him so many times before. In my head, he's taken shape, and I know exactly what it is that I'm looking for. What I want from him, and how he'll treat me, even the ways in which he'll look at me. How he'll make me feel so special, and loved. So why is it that we allow ourselves to mess things up with the guys are are potentially that guy? You know, the ones that don't want to hurt us, or see us cry. They want to keep our smiles real, our hearts in tact, because to them, the simpe knowledge of love is so precious. 

I blog about never settling for second best, to be somebodies everything, and to only ever allow yourself to fall for somebody who is willing to love you back. So why is it that there is still a part of me that craves him? The one I shouldn't be thinking about. Still a part of me that, after all I say, is still willing to fall second best. The one who I don't wake up beside. The one who isn't the guy who likes to fall asleep with his arms wrapped round me, and kisses me non-stop. He's not the guy who tells me that I'm special, or that I look beautiful when I look like a throw back to cave men, or the guy who tells me that I'm the only one he wants. 

You see, we girls are possibly the most confusing gender. We want the good guys, and when we get them, we're blinkered by the bad guys suddenly ferrying after us. And they'll hurt us, because they always do. And then we'll bitch, and moan, and plaster over every social networking site going about how men are wankers, when in reality we're actually to blame.We had the good guy, and yet we still went back to the bad guy.
 Still let the good guy slip away. And for what? To trade being treated like we should be, how we deserved to be treated, to being treated like a part of some never ending game? Strung along until our hearts are broken, and we're damn right misreble. Then we wake up and realise we've been stupid. And it's only when we can't have him anymore than we suddenly want him.

So guys, they can never really win. We want one thing, and yet we chase after entirely another thing altogether. So do we really have a right to moan when he breaks out heart, and the good guy no longer wants us?

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Unworthy Of My Love.

Has that ever happened to anybody else before? When you like someone for absolutely ages. For so long that you can't even remember when a simple crush started and spiraled into something altogether more, something stronger. So strong that they seem to have this pull over you. And here's the catch 22. They already have a girlfriend. And she's pretty, and funny, and nice, she always is. Just so that it makes it harder. And the second you decide to give up on them, and meet someone else, they show an interest. Suddenly tell you all of those things that you wanted to hear them tell you for so long. That they like you, that they can't stop thinking about you, that you're pretty . . .

Well, to every single person whose ever had to go through this, I have this to say to you. You deserve to be a first option, every single time. My brother told me recently to never settle for second best, and I won't ever again, and neither should you.

And to the people who want to have their cake and eat it, I have this to say to you. You have no right. No right to not allow a person happiness with another person. No right to use your words to hold some kind of pull over them. No right to leave them dangling to serve some sadistic part of your personality. And more than that, you owe it to your partner to not be that person, to not crave the attention of another person. If you're not going to make them your everything, then you don't deserve a part of their heart. So don't say anything. 

Friday, 2 September 2011

One Day At A Time.

I think that as every day passes, I take a step closer to falling for you . . .