Thursday, 28 April 2011

University; The supposed best times of a minors life.

I can't even begin to explain how stressed out I am at the moment. I feel as though there's this heavy weight being pushed down at me from all angles, and it's not getting any easier.
University comes to an end in under two weeks and I have just spent three days depriving myself of fresh air and sunshine to slave over my computer and Adobe and do what I thought was excellent journalism. But that's be too easy, right? If something looks good, its bound to be shit. And apparently it was. And I feel as though I just want to hold up my out card and just throw it in.
I have never felt such a lack of faith in myself before. Not even when I got rejected from the first agency I sent my work to. I went straight back to it and I made it better. But I am so tired of pouring my effort into work that is falling short, I just want to admit defeat and give up. I feel like it's not worth it anymore, I just want the stress and anxiety and worry to be over.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Substitute for Love.

Top 7 Songs atm;

1- Where You At; Jennifer Hudson
2- Dreamer; Kari Kimmel
3- High Road; Alexis Jordan
4- Motivation; Kelly Rowland
5- Down On Me; 50 Cent ft. Jeremiah
6- Landslide; Dixie Chicks
7- One Day You'll Be Fine; Kari Kimmel

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Three Words that Kill.

Which is worse; Unrequited love, or forbidden love?
Which hurts more; Falling in love, and knowing that person d
oesn't love you back, or falling in love with someone and knowing they do?
What's more heartbreaking; Knowing however much you love them they won't love you back, or knowing that they feel exactly the same way, yet can't be with you?

In a way, as much as unrequited love absolutely sucks, you gradually learn to live with the fact that a person will always have a hold over you, no matter how many times you tell yourself its useless, that they won't ever feel the same way, that you're setting yourself up for heartache.
You learn to collect your feelings together and store them in some place away from the surface, where only you know they exist.

But forbidden love, that's the absolute heart wrenching, g
utting, love of them all. That's the love you hope to find. The one where you look up and find them staring at you and in that moment, your breath is taken away. It's the way they look at you as though you're the most beautiful girl they've ever seen, and that look makes your legs turn to jelly, and your stomach to a fleet of moths all playing the same rhythm of heartache. It's the way every single they do, every smile, every look, every action is with intense sincerity, that makes your heart contract with longing. Because all you want to do is reach out and kiss them. To feel your skin collide as your breathless mouths move together with urgency. And then you see them acknowledge her. You see them touch her shoulder as they pass, or ask if they can get her anything. You see them two pressed up against one another, kissing. And that is when you feel the, without a doubt, hardest feeling to squash, the pain.

And why do we allow ourselves to even consider being wit
h someone else s boyfriend? At which point in our lives do we wake up and decide to embark on the journey of a home wrecker? And at which part do they decide to join us in this destruction? Because forbidden love is never just one sided. There's always that dangerous connection. The fact at the core that you two people should not be liking one another, but you do. And it's as simple as that. You like one another. You find yourself wondering what it'd be like for him to kiss you that way, and to lean over and just kiss you. What it must be like to be intimate with this person. Whether they'd kiss you, and wish that every time he was kissing her, it was you instead.

But all you get is the odd brushing against one another as you pass ways. Or the secretive hand graze underneath the table, hidden from everyone else. And all your left with is the fact that you are the only person who knows what he really feels
like, what he told you. And you try to stop. You try to ignore them, to tell yourself that you deserve better than that, that you're over it. But you never are, not really. You will always feel on edge around them. You'll never be able to quite look them in the eye for fear that you'll see that intense desire that first made you fall. And because more than anything, you live in hope that one day they'll wake up and decide that it's you they can't live without.

Friday, 22 April 2011

No Longer Needy.

Will there ever be a time when we don't need someone? A time when we don't need to cry on somebody elses shoulder, or to phone a friend and rant and rant and rant to the point of exhaustion when they eventually make us smile and everything then feels better, a weight lifted. Will there be a time when we can bring ourselves back to life? Make ourselves smile, make ourselves get up and realise that life is still moving along around us, so we have no choice but to step outside and do the exact same thing. Will we be able to ever sort our situations out by ourselves without relying on the opinions of close friends and family to aid our quest for seeking closure, justice, approval even?

Will we ever not need someone?

I hope not. Sometimes its nice to unload a problem onto another person and dealing with it together. And sometimes its just as nice to feel needed.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Dear, Lo;

If I could somehow transport myself back in time, to erase the errors of the past few years, to take everything I've learned and to tell that young girl still to go through it all, then this is what I'd tell her.

Firstly, I'd start by telling her life isn't fair. It never is, and it never will be. Life is long, it's a bumpy road that is very rarely smooth. Its packed full of double st
andards, and judgement, and not to mention pain. But to learn how to stand tall and defiant, you have to go through it all. You have to play with fire to be burnt, and only then will you realise you're not untouchable.

You need to learn trust. Trust is what any human relationship needs to be built on, and without that cracks begin to form, and jealousy and insecuri
ty seep into those cracks, and before you know it, everything is crumbling. So, trust in people until they give you a reason to not do so. But remember to not judge every person by one persons deception.

He may have been as near to love as you've experienced, and learn to accept that you don't hate him. You try to, but you never will. Your relationship was brief, and yes, it never worked out, but you were both young, and not everyone is fortunate
enough to meet 'the one' at 19. So, live with the fact you can never hate him, and every time you try, he will make you smile, or laugh, and you'll forget why you hated him in the first place, and instead why you fell for him. He's that guy, the one you can't be with, but he's the one you never want to live without. It's just balance.

Brush off the people that bring you down. Life is precious, an
d never long enough and every breath we take in life is a privilege, and one that can be taken at any moment. You need to surround yourself with the people that make you smile, the ones that make you laugh so much your cheeks ache. Not the ones that spend their time miserable. Those who live with their glass half empty are those waiting for something to change, but unwilling to make it happen. Be an optimist, and remember your glass is half full.

He was never worth your time. Every word he spoke was a li
e, and I know that you still feel this wounded pride at having been fooled by him, but its time to let it go. Its time to let go of that grudge you still hold, and lift your head high. He fooled you once, but the best recipe for karma is to just keep on smiling. Nothing hurts more than seeing that somebody really doesn't give two shits.

Girls can be the most manipulative, snide, evil sex, and by now you've learn that the hard way. But it will never change. Girls will always lash out with venomous words, they'll use bitter insults that are the polar opposite of you because that's all they have. Insecurities and jealousy, and rather than act like a mature, human being, they'll resort to name calling. And when they do, just laugh. There's really no point letting yourself g
et stressed over it, or upset. Those girls will never really know you, and they'll never be your friends. They're bullies, and just pity them because you're so much better than that.

If people insist on interpreting the hell out of every word you plaster over facebook and Twitter and make it about themselves, let them. They're
wrong, but they'll always think they're right, so let them waste their time. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. You're so much better than using a social networking website to make digs at people, so let them make themselves look like fools doing just that.

You're talented, and don't be disheartened by rejection. Send your
work out and when it gets rejected, go back to it and improve it and send it back out again and again, and again until someone, somewhere, realises that you're dedicated and willing to work your backside off to succeed, and gives you that break. And if not, keep writing because it makes you feel good. But never lose the hope, or belief that you're meant to be successful in this life. Never.

She never picks up after herself, she's annoying, and sometimes you just want to scream at her to shut the hell up, but she's your true friend. She can be a damn right bitch, but so can you. A friendship won't grow unless you learn to accept another persons faults, because we all have them. Especially you, you have a low patience, and you
get ratty, and when you do, she never moans. She just continues to smile, and annoy you, so just laugh. Its much easier, and you know deep down, its what you wanted to do all along.

As much as you sometimes feel like you'll never meet someon
e who turns your world upside down, you will. You've not even left the nest yet, you've still got the world to see and its populated with billions of different individuals you've yet to meet. And he's out there. He may not be the one you love, or the one you end up marrying, but he'll make you breathless.

Let go of that feeling everyone gives up. Because they will if you keep pushing. You don't need to feel jealous or insecure. If they're worth it, they wo
n't feel the need to cheat and they'll stick around. And if they don't, close the door on them and never look back.

Learn to differentiate her from your brothers ex, and your best friend, because that's all she is now, your best friend. She has no tie to him, and you need to
realise that she's going to be happy with her new boyfriend, and you need to be there for her to talk to about that without feeling this immense guilt. She's your bubble buddy, cherish her.

He might not think that you're over him, but you know you are. You don't need to keep proving it to him to prove it to yourself. In your heart, you knew
for a while that he wasn't a keeper, and deep down, he knew it, too.

Stop being hard on yourself. You don't need to be skinnier to feel attractive. Put the nachos down and pull on the gym clothes and finally get fit. Once you do, you'll feel better. You know it deep down, so stop making excuses about starting 'tomo
rrow' because tomorrow always turns into the next day, then the next day, and before you know it, its a month later and you're still regretting the sheer volume of subways you've consumed.

Remember to smile. Life's not so bad.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

The Ones That Matter.

It takes a drama of sorts for your true friends to step up and support you for you to identify those that matter.
The ones that do will be the ones by your side, whether you're in the right or wrong. If you're in the right, they'll defend you to the ground. And even if you're not, they'll still defend you to the ground because they're your friend, and its
what they do.
It'll take a situation for them to all rally round, irate and pissed off on your behalf and getting themselves involved to show how much they care and
have your back.
Those that linger on the wall, reveling in the drama but never stepping a foot into the garden of defense are those that aren't your friends. They're just fake, pretend friends and you're better off without them because people like that, they're everywhere. Its your true friends that are rare, so cherish each and every one of them.

Those that matter, you know who you are.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Dear, Matt;

I only found out today that you read my blog, and I decided to dedicate this one to you.
I spent years wishing I had a sister so that I could borrow her clothes and make-up, and save myself the money. But in all honestly, I wouldn't trade you in for a sister even if she came with a wardrobe of LouBoutins, because in actual fact, you're the best sibling I could ask for.

You're loyal to the absolute max. You may not agree with situ
ations I get myself into, but you never judge.
I still remember that time we were making Christmas cards, Christmas eve, for mum and dad and you told me you'd read that book I'd started on the computer. I didn't realise until a few years ago when my teacher asked me who my inspiration was, that I knew it was you.
That moment then when you told me my writing was good and how I should finish writing it, was the moment when I decided I wanted to be a writer. And one day, I will finish writing Race, and when I do, it'll be dedicated to you.

You've been through a lot of shit the past year or so, and you've had a lot of low times, but you've gone through it all with grace and held your head high.
And I just want you to know that she's still out there, that one girl for you. And we both know who she is. It may seem like you two will never get your 'happy ever after' ending, but I know that you both will because that's true love right there if it ev
er existed.

And I guess I just want to tell you how much I love you.
And if we were OG's I'd slap you on the back and tell you how
I 'have yo back fo' life.' But as we're not I'll just finish up by telling you that I'm always here for you.

- Lo x

Thursday, 7 April 2011

A Notebook Wedding.

I stumbled upon this website today where people who've ever had a themed engagement, or wedding photo shoots can upload their snaps and share them with the viral world. And the one I happened to absolutely love and wanted to share with all you bloggers it of an engagement shoot with the theme of Nicholas Sparks's film adaptation of his book,The Notebook. If you're wanting to have a themed wedding then who better that Ally and Noah as the two hopeless romantics to aspire to? They're the twenty first century Romeo and Juliet.

Here are my favorite pictures, enjoy :)

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

It's Okay Not To Be Okay.

You're my friend, and I'm supposed to be happy for you. And I am. It's just hard because your happiness came at a cost of pain to my brother. I know you wasn't happy, and neither was he. And you were stuck in this rut that was making you both unhappy. And I love you, I do, and I always will. Not speaking to you for those months just proved that you were meant to be in my life, because it felt as though something was missing. And I know he said some things that hurt you, but I still remember the things you said, too.

And so when I see you displaying your happiness over facebook and Twitter, I am happy for you, it's just hard because it feels as though it's alwa
ys with a slight dig at Matt. As though he was such an unbearable 'gross' person for you to have spent so long with, but I know that's a lie. I witness first hand how sickeningly loved up you and Matt both were. It made me queasy to be fair. So when I see you speaking of true love, and how you're experiencing all these feelings for the first time, it's feels as though you're trying to prove how over Matt you are. But it's okay to still miss a person. You might not still be in love with them, but there was a time when you were happily planning your life with that person forever. And something that meant that much can't ever just be a nothing. Because it's a lie.

And I suppose I hurt for him, too, sometimes. I don't know w
hether you met your boyfriend when you was still with my brother, or a short time after, but I know that he hurt for a really long time, and the fact that you moved on so quickly just makes me feel bad for Matt because I remember seeing him heartbroken for the first time, and that's something I can never just forget.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Song Saviour.

The world seemingly revolves around music.

Maybe it wasn't always that way, but it is now. Our generation live for music, whether you live for the musicians that made an impact, that made history, such as Elvis Presley, or Michael Jackson. Whether its the iconic bands you live for, like The Beatles, and Abba. Or maybe you're warped in time, and still obsessing over the 70's and 80's bands as though they're only just being discovered. Or maybe you're more the twenty first century music lover, and you live for the recent artists, downloading every single in the iTunes chart.

Some of us tattoo our favorite lyrics on our skin, etching them in ink permanently. We plaster lyrics that define a time in our life that we couldn't describe any better ourselves, and we paste them across our Twitter and facebook statuses. Sometimes there's that one song that we can't stop listening to, and we keep it on replay until we know it word for word, and then we still keep playing it.

In the words of P. Sawyer, some people in life are music people, others lyrical people. The music people don't care about the lyrics. To them, it's not about what music is saying. It's more about being in that moment, with a good beat, and a good rhythm, and having a good time. The song could be wordless so long as they could dance along and forget everything.

The lyrical people, not so much. They're the ones on Google, looking up the lyrics to their favorite songs, and interpreting the hell out of each line, choosing the one that is most apt for their current situation in life. Some people are nursing broken hearts, or have just split up with their boyfriend and its as though the world hates them. The world doesn't hate them, but in that moment, they just need something to give them understanding, and hope. And what better than music?

In One Tree Hill, Peyton made a Songs to Save a Life playlist on her iPod for her daughter, so she could one day hear all of the music that she loved growing up. I have a similar folder, but its more about the music that most changed my life. The songs that I couldn't stop playing or months at a time. Songs that make me smile the most, or I listen to when I'm down. And some songs are just great songs that I love simply because they helped me through times when I was a bag of teenage hormones and felt as though the world was against me. So emo, but we've all been there.

So, for anyone still reading this blog..kudos for dedication, or sheer boredom, but hopefully not the latter. Here is a list of my favorite songs from that playlist, that I'd like to share with you. So download and enjoy! :-)

1. I'm Coming Out; Amerie - I love this song. I used to want it played at my funeral until I realised that it might be about someone coming out as being gay, and the thought that my parting message to the world might one day be, 'I'm Lo, and I liked the vag' wasn't quite the impact I hope for!

2. Three Little Birds; Bob Marley - The perfect song to listen to in whatever mood you're in. It just makes you smile.3. If I Die Young; The Band Perry - The song I do actually want at my funeral. It's so beautiful, and reminds me of something from an episode of some exaggerated, American teen show that I love oh so much!

4. You Make Me Feel Like a Star; The Beau Sisters - It's just one of those embarrassingly cringe worthy songs we girls love!

5. Irreplaceable; Beyond - Possibly the most empowering song for getting over ANY guy! This is my breakup song to realise that yet another guy was a loser.

6. Just Stand Up; Beyoncé, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Fergie, Sheryl Crow, Melissa Etheridge, Natasha Bedingfield, Miley Cyrus, Leona Lewis, Carrie Underwood, Keyshia Cole, LeAnn Rimes, Ashanti, Ciara & Mariah Carey - A song packed with female talent! It was written to promote people standing up to Cancer, and basically fighting to survive. So the meaning behind it probably makes it that more special.

7. God & Satan; Biffy Clyro - Just because its amazing.

8. Change; Carrie Underwood - Her voice is stunning, and so is this song :)9. Champion; Chipmunk ft. Chris Brown - I couldn't stop playing this song, which is mainly why it made it into this folder.

10. With You; Chris Brown - For similar reasons. I just still love this.

11. I Never Told You; Colbie Caillat - My favorite song from one of my favorite artists.

12. Over You; Daughtry - If anyone ever dated a complete arsehole, then listen to the lyrics and they'll make you 10x stronger, haha!

13. Find Your Love; Drake - I'm a Drake newbie, but this song is still my highest played song on my iPod.

14. Son of a Preacher; Dusty Springfield - How could this not be on here? I remember hearing it on 'Stars in their Eyes' when I was younger, and loved it ever since.

15. I Just Love You; Five for Fighting - Just because I love it.

16. You Found Me; The Fray - When I first got The Frays albums, this was the song I played over and over again.

17. To Make You Feel my Love; Garth Brooks - As amazing as Adele's version is, I'm team Brooks on this one.

18. Faith; George Michael - How can anyone listen to this and not want to dance?!

19. Sympathy; The Goo Goo Dolls - I first heard this on A Cinderella Story and I embarrassingly watched that film way too much at the time. Its my favorite GGD song. :)

20. Maybe; Ingrid Michaelson - Another top play on my iPod. Anyone whose never heard an Ingrid Michaelson song needs to download her asap!

21. Murder Reigns; Ja Rule - One of my most shameful confessions, but I remember hearing this years ago when I was on holiday in Lanzarote. It become one of those songs that reminds you of a family holiday.

22. Just A Little While; Janet Jackson - I loved this song when I was growing up, until I grew up and realised that it was about a woman touching herself..then I loved it more.

23. Three Days of Rain; Jason Liberatore - My favourite song, ever. Whatever my mood, I put this on and smile as I sing, tunelessly, along.

24. Let Me Go; Jason Michael Carroll - This man has such a deep voice, but its one of the summer songs I love.

25. Who You Are; Jessie J - Reinforces how talented as a singer, and writer Jessie J is. Amazing.

26. Waiting on the World to Change; John Mayer - Legendary.

27. It's Only Life; Kate Voegele - My favorite song of hers, another top hit on mon iPod.

28. Stupid Boy; Keith Urban - I used to listen to this and think how you'd lose me one day and regret it, and you did, and still do. Ha.

29. Don't Let me Stop You; Kelly Clarkson - An empowering song for when you're in a defiant mood!

30. Sex on Fire; Kings of Leon - Pretty self-explanatory. (No, I never had chlamydia!)

31. Live Like You're Dying; Kris Allen - Another feel good hit.

32. Happy; Leona Lewis - Her best song.

33. Storm; Lifehouse - A song you just want to lay back and listen to.

34. Someday We'll Know; Mandy Moore - This is from A Walk to Remember, my favourite film. I love it.

35. She Will Be Loved; Maroon 5 - Another entry for the list of favorite ever songs. It also reminds me of my best friend, Kimberley.

36. Man in the Mirror; Michael Jackson - How could he not be on her at least once? One of his best songs.

37. The Climb; Miley Cyrus - She's as annoying as AIDS but I can't help but love this song! Haha! I'm ashamed as I write this!

38. The Saltwater Room; Owl City - I couldn't stop playing this when I first heard it. Adam Young, you're amazing.

39. Playing God; Paramore - A perfect song to quote back to those who are quick to judge.

40. If You Believe; Rachel Lampa - Just because its beautiful.

41. Your Guardian Angel; The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Just one of those ones I love.

42. I Think About you Every Day; A Rocket to the Moon - :)43. King of Anything; Sara Bareilles - I'd sometimes like to quote this to some people.

44. I Need You - Saving Abel - I just played it again and again.

45. The Man Who Can't be Moved; The Script - Another top played tune!

46. The First Cut is the Deepest; Sheryl Crow - The only one of her songs that I particularly like.

47. Crack the Shutters; Snow Patrol - Easily another favorite. I could listen to this every day and never stop loving it.

48. Our Song; Taylor Swift - Reminds me of when I first imported her album from America and loved her ages before she came into the charts.

49. Thug Story; Taylor Swift ft. T-Pain - Because I can sing this word for word, like a thug.

50. Unpretty; TLC - Should be played to any girl during PMS!

51. American Girl; Tom Petty - One of those movie songs you tap your foot to whenever you hear it!

52. Billionaire; Travis McCoy - This song will never bore me. Travis McCoy, you STUD.

53. Hope; Twist ft. Faith Evans - Another favorite from another one of my favorite films, Coach Carter.I cry every time this is played at the end after they lose the state championship. Sobbb!

54. I Will Always Love You; Whitney Houston - Because this was played at my Grandads funereal and for a long time, every time it came on it would be switched off immediately, or people would cry. But now, we listen to it and smile.

55. Leave the Pieces; The Wreckers - Just because its apt for a depressing mood!

Love Lyrics.

Music is one of the most wonderful inventions. Whoever first invented a sound and sung along, they're a genius. We hear our favourite singers on the radio, see their videos on our TVs, and download them onto our iPods. But to all of you who are a lyric person like me, and pour over the lyrics, linking them to phases relevant to your own lives, and situations and using them to explain them with words you couldn't strum together so perfectly, imagine if one of those songs were about you. Imagine if Bruno Mars was telling the world that you were amazing exactly the way you are. Imagine if Chris Brown was writing about how super human you make him feel. Imagine if Drake was writing about how you were the best he ever had.

Imagine hearing that song every day, knowing there are girls and boys round the world wishing those lyrics were about them, using them in their Twitter and facebook status's. And imagine knowing it were about you.

"You know I've got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Um, then there’s the music people, like Brooke. Who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this. Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics."
- [Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Subway Love!

So, the diet failed to commence this weekend. I don't know where my dedication, or motivation has wandered off to. But I spent both Saturday and Sunday nursing a beautiful, 6ft chicken and bacon ranch Subway! And somehow still managed to lose 4 pounds!

Perfecto! :-)

Unfaithful Faith.

I find it really hard to understand why people can believe in God when such shitty things are happening in the world that surrounds us.
It must be reassuring to have so much faith in a person, and to feel like he's always there for you. But I can't help but feel that if he's this wonderful man that we're supposed to worship and please, then why is it that he can't look after the world?
The world is littered with pedophiles, and murderers and people that inflict horrific offenses on the world and those living in it, and they damage lives. They leave people scarred for the rest of their lives. If God existed, why is it that he can't keep these bad people at bay? Why does it al
ways seem that the bad people in life will always live without sufferance. Without paying some kind of penance for the horrible crimes they commit.

It seems to me that those who suffer, who are punished, are those most deserving of good karma. It's so unfair when you hear yet another story on how a mother living off of benefits has conceived yet another child, when the most caring, loving, and hard working woman can't manage to fall pregnant. How is it fair that children get sick, and sometimes there's no cure? And that's it, their life in this world is over, cut so tragically short before they even had a chance to make a mark.
We're talking about the man that managed to create the world we live in. If he could do such a tremendous, huge task, then surely he could make the world a good place to live in. To take away racism, and crime, and to let people live in a world where they can feel safe.

Mothers Day.

I'd just like to dedicate this blog to my beautiful Mummy, who ever year amazes me with the strength she has as a mother. She's never anything other than willing to sit and listen to what can only be described as the mundane dramas of her twenty year old daughter, to still love me when i'm a grumpy, PMS mess, and to gently remind me when i'm scoffing yet another belgium bun that I wanted her to encourage my diet.

So, to my mum, who I love more every single day of the year, happy Mothers Day.

Lo x

Saturday, 2 April 2011

The Unknown.

Sometimes, the not knowing where life will go is the hardest part to accept. It's easy to get lost in the blur of a fantasy world where we're untouchable. Where we're lucky to survive life without sickness, and heartache. That we're going to achieve everything we set out for, and we'll live happily ever after.

But sometimes, when I can't sit and pretend, I get these feelings wash over me, and they're as real as life can get. Instead of thinking that my life is going t
o be this picture perfect bubble, I think of all the things that could go wrong. And I get this horrible, intense feeling that something bad will happen to me. That I will be one of those unfortunate people. That maybe I will marry the perfect man, and that he'll be taken from me somehow. That I'll be consumed with incurable heartache for the rest of my existance. That I'll get sick, and there'll be no cure. And before I have enough time to see the world, to make my own impact, it'll be too late. That all the times I've moaned about feeling sick, or having headaches, I didn't realise I was sick. nd not with a cold. Something more severe, more permanent, like a brain tumour.

And to any person still reading this blog, I know I sound like a lunatic. But sometimes it's easy to sit back and feel as though you're untouchable. That bad things happen to other people, but not you. Because you're meant for greatness. You're talented, and the world needs to see that.

And the truth is, there is so much I want to do. I want to move out and own my very own flat. I want it to be too small, and full of clutter, but be so cosy just because its my own place. I want to finally learn to drive, and take off on random road trips. I want to publish my books, and see them turned into films. I want to co-direct those films, and feel a sense of acomplishment watching them come to life. Knowing that someone believes in my work that much, who isn't a blood relative. I want to find that man, you know, the one that takes your life and comletely alters it. Turns it upside down. And I want to marry him, and have children with him, and know that I've found that person to spend life with, side by side. I want to fight over petty things, and row over things that are more serious, and then I want to spend hours, afternoons into evenings, making up. I want to see my parents watching my children grow up. I want to buy them all of the things they sacrificed when having me and my brother. I want to buy them a house, in a nicer part of England, perhaps in the country, or by the seaside.

I want to see every one of my dreams coming true.

Sometimes thinking about the IF's in life is scary, because they're so real.

Eating Your Lies.

Sometimes people project such an illusion of what they want you to believe they're like.
Sometimes it's bullshit.