Tuesday, 25 October 2011

What I Learnt In Two Weeks.

1;  That I have the strongest mum, ever. In two weeks, everything she thought was her life has literally fallen apart, and its all been built on lies. And I've watched her cry, and break down. I've seen her take control of our lives. And I've let her comfort me. And during it all, I've seen this strength I always knew was inside of her, and she amazes me. And she'll be okay. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. Or this side of 2011. But one day she will smile again, and she won't feel betrayal, or pain. She'll let those feelings go, and when she does, there we'll be. By her side through it all. Just us three. 
2;  That working in a job just because it funds your ever growing shoe addiction will never make it any more bearable. If there was ever a time for me to chase my dreams, its now. 
3;  I am so proud of my brother Matthew for his achievements out in Thailand, and can't express enough for pleased for him I am that he's been living his own dream out there. But I miss him. And the selfish side of me that needs comfort, and familiarity wants him to come home. The 1st can't come quick enough.
4; That tears don't mean you're a weak person. here have been times during these past two weeks where I've not cried, and I've been able to speak without getting upset. But there’s also been times when I can't help but cry, or do anything except cry, and no any person who sees crying as a weakness, you're wrong. We cry because we need the release, and because sometimes, its the only thing we can do to grieve. 
5;  That I have some pretty amazing people in my life, family and friends, as well as work colleagues. It takes a situation that turns your world upside down for you to realise whose actually there for you. 
6;  That my love for Jack literally grows every day. Never before have I loved a person like I do him, and I'm so lucky he's a part of my life. 
7; I no longer have a dad. He walked out of my life without so much as a truthful explanation, a goodbye, or a genuine apology. He lied to me for pretty much half of my life, and I will never forgive him for the things he's done to my mum, me, or my brother. I've lost family in the last two weeks, but the family I have left are all that I need because they're the good people. The ones who do love me unconditionally, and who deserve to be a fixture in my life. 
8; People who use a tragedy as an excuse to lash out with their vicious words, and have an opinion aren't worthwhile people. They're sad. And something fundamental must be missing in their life is they choose to become to involved with another persons life. 
9; Theo Cullen, welcome to the family. I already love you :)

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Dear, Dad;

I woke up today and all I felt was anger. I was angry at Jack just because he woke up and the first thing he did was hug me. I was angry at myself because my alarm clock didn't go off and I overslept. I was angry at the clothes on my bedroom floor. I was angry that Nan came round and got upset, and then I was angry because I didn't know what to say to make her feel better. I was angry when mum tried to hug me. I was angry at the fact my best friend wanted to come round and see me, and because she kept ringing my phone. But more than anything, I am so angry at you. 

I have all of these angry feelings inside of me, and I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to throw something, or break something, or just scream and shout. I feel like nothing will take away this feeling inside of me, and then I realised it was resentment. I resent you. I resent you for never making me feel like I had a dad who loved me. I resent you for never being the type of father every little girl deserves. I resent you for all the times you were grumpy, or rude, or was so opinionated. And more than anything else, I resent the fact that you left without feeling like we deserved an explanation.

Anybody can walk away from a marriage, or a family. Its a coward who walks away without explanation. And it doesn't have a damn thing to do with not being able to cope with arguments. It’s about not being able to hear the truth, to hear what we really think about you. But you couldn't stay and listen to that. Instead, you waited until we left, and then you left.

And this is what I would have said to you. I would have told you firstly how you're the biggest disappointment in my life. I never felt like you loved me,  yet I made excuses up, hoping that when I was older and no longer controlled by hormones that you'd be there for me. That you'd come to me and hug me, and not because I'd come to you first, but because its how you show that you love someone. You'd be the one to dry my eyes when I was crying, and to tell me that I deserved better than any of those boys who hurt me, and treated me like dirt. And more than anything, you'd just be that person who I looked up to.

But you was never him, and you ended up hurting me more than any of those boys who hurt me before. The one person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally, absolutely killed me.

I'd also tell you that you never deserved mum. Not once in twenty five years of your marriage did you deserve to have such an amazing woman beside you when you were such a poor excuse for a man yourself. And yet you took her for granted, and no words could ever begin to even justify the way you've treated her. Nothing at all. And I'm angry because I look back and remember the times when you were happy and I feel sick, because they were a lie. There was always this other life you were living, a life where we didn't exist, and how can I ever look at you again and smile, when all I can think is how could my own dad even pretend to not have this family? 

So I hope that you're happy, and that she was worth it, because you no longer have a daughter, not that I doubt you even care. But one day, you'll realise just how lucky you were to have us, and on the same day we'll probably already be over you, and realising that we never needed you.

- Lo x

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

The Sad Smile.

In the last forty eight hours, literally my entire world has changed. And life goes on, and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, I know that. But it doesn't take anything away from the fact that my world is falling apart, and every single part of my every day life is now different. And I don't want to talk. I don't want to sit and talk about the weather, or who went out on the x Factor. I can't sit there and act the same when nothings the same, everything is different now. And I laugh, and I joke, but behind every single word, I just want to break down and cry.

So forgive me when I don't seem happy, or bubbly. Or laugh, and make funny comments.But he's gone, and he'll never come back, and I accept that, but there's still a part of it that is currently killing me, and how do you hide that behind a smile?

Monday, 10 October 2011

Dear, Jack;

If there was ever a time for me to really realise how much you mean to me, then its now. When literally everything you believed was your life turns out to just be this web of lies, I can't even begin to explain to you how much I've needed to have you there. Llife is like held togeter by these tiny, thin threads, and god are they fragile. One swift movement and your whole entire world can begin to crumble, and five seconds later its falling apart.

It hit me today that I don't have that figure in my life anymore. And I'm supposed to be guided by him, you know. But then I realised he was never that figure, even when he was here for me, and I won't allow my trust issues that stemmed from him being such a lying, conceited bastard, to so much as taint my relationship with you.

Seeing you almost run to my door last night, and be there for me, even in the early hours of the morning when I was still crying, was the moment that I truly knew you're exactly the person I want to be in my future. I have never before loved a person so much that it hurts, that I am so consumed by just your being. And I'm really lucky to have you, and will never take that for granted, I can promise you. 

I love you, Jack Edney. With every single tiny miniscule part of my heart.
And I'll be yours forever.

- Lo x

Saturday, 8 October 2011


I think that Brooke Davis said it better than anybody when she said some times people put up walls, not to keep people away. But to see who cares enough to tear those walls down.
Has anybody else ever done that? Pushed someone away? Even though they're the very best person to have ever come into your life, even after the way they make you feel. You know, a part of you is just scared. And it pushes, and pushes and pushes, because you're so haunted by all those previous dickheads that abused your trust when they said they'd never go that you don't really believe anybody who says it anymore. 

And then they want to know whats wrong. They want you to explain. To put into words how you're feeling. To tell them that you push because you expect that one day, they will go. Just like everyone else before. And you push because the quicker that happens, the less it'll hurt. 

These Words.

Do you ever wonder whether or not your words matter? Whether they're powerful enough to change something inside of people. Whether its laughter, or a smile, even tears. Wonder whether you have the ability to move people, to write things from the heart that other people can identify with? Can read and just instantly relate to? Do you ever sit back and just wonder whether somewhere in this world, someone is reading your words this very second, and you're changing their lives somehow?

I think that sometimes, doubt is a more poisonous emotion than fear.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Dear, Paige;

When I was younger, I used to wish that my mum and dad would have another baby, this time a girl.  Preferably it would come from a catalogue, because lets face it, thinking of a baby coming through the vaginal passage, let alone thinking of our parents doing it is quite nauseating. But alas, no baby came, and I instead grew up with cousins, one which was you. And growing up we were always more like sisters. But I didn't realise just how close our bond was until these last few years, and I can put my hand on my heart, and solemnly brownie swear that I look to you as nothing but my little sister that I got all those years ago, just not from my own mum.
When we have days together, I love how we laugh at the smallest of things. We binge on junk food, before making pacts to eat healthy from the next day. We watch programmes like Jersey Shore, and Jackass, and then proceed to over abuse their catchphrases, such as Yeahhh, buddy!

I can't believe how much you're growing up, and so quickly. It feels like only a year or so ago that you were that child with the wild bush hair. But here you are, sixteen, and more mature than ever before, and you're growing into the person you're going to be. You know, when you're younger, everything shapes the person you grow up to be, and I am so proud of who you are, Paige.

I know I say you can't date until you're twenty one, and its not because I don't want to see you with a boy, or think you couldn't be with someone worthy. You're beautiful, and any boy would be lucky to be with you. It's more than fact that I don't think I could bear for you to be hurt by one. At twenty one, I've been through situations that at the time, I felt like I wouldn't get through. I've been lied to, and hurt, and it sucks. And the thought that someone might break your heart isn't something I'm comfortable with, because you're my little sister, and I don't think I'd ever be able to see you hurt, without wanting to separating that boys male anatomy. 

But I also know that its those mistakes that teach you vital life lessons. You get hurt so that you know what it feels like. You know, when you can identify hurt like that it makes you stronger. Sometimes people aren't honest, and they lie, and cheat, and at the time it kills you, but when you look back you find that it also taught you to not grace unworthy people with such a precious emotion such as your trust. But there are times when I am so happy, like I am now with Jack, and I want that for you, too. Someone to treat you like you're the only girl they see. Because it's lovely. 

Here are a few things I want you to know.
School might be tough at times, but you can do it. Stick it out, and I have every faith that you'll be glad when you look back.
Buy shoes, and lots of them. And if your mum ever says you have enough, don't listen to her.
You're beautiful, and you can have any guy you want. But those messy haired, rock types seem hot, and mysterious, but they're unhygienic, and most likely have an STD than any form of education. Date the guys who are more than a pretty face. 
Trust until somebody gives you a reason not to. I spent a lot of time with trust issues fucking me up, and when I look back at those times, I feel sad that I was so scared to trust people so easily.
Do fall in love one day, and when you do, tell me every single detail.

And remember, I am here for you every second of every single day. I will never judge you, and whatever situation you find yourself in, believe with certainty that I am here for you, and I have your back, as those so called G's would say.

I love you, little sister.

-Lo x


You know, I take it back. I trust him more than I've ever trusted any one person before, and its scary, trusting someone so much and knowing that they do have that ability to hurt you. The power over you. But trusting them that they're not going to. And I realise that I do trust him. More than ever before, and more than I'd willingly trust any other person.

I've never been in love until now, not the real legit stuff. You know, the ridiculously bad cases of bed hair, and the swollen lips because you literally can not stop kissing him. The texts that make your jaw ache from smiling, and your stomach swarm with butterflies. The way you want to be around him every second of every single day. And the way you love to fall asleep with him, somehow pressed up against him because you just want that contact. 

And he is everything that I ever wanted from a guy, but never found. For my entire dating history, I've been with those who've made me insecure, who've destroyed my trust, and those who've wanted to mould me. And for the first time I am with this person who is entirely content with the person I am, and he still makes me feel special. And for the first time, I think he's affraid to lose me. And I hope that every single person meets somebody and feels what I do for him at least once in their lifetime. 

So to all of those dickheads that hurt me, and played me, I just want to say thank you.
If you hadn't treated me like utter shit, then I probably wouldn't be with someone so amazing now. And I also wouldn't have recognised just how perfect he is without you. So again, thanks.

I'm a very lucky girl. 

I am never letting this guy go, ever.
J.E. <3