Tuesday, 20 December 2011

A Cliché.

I don't know when it happened, but I've become an absolute cliché. Overnight, I've become that gushingly romantic girl that talks about her boyfriend non-stop. I'm the girl who sits and writes blogs about him, and writes indirect facebook and twitter statuses about him, but I have never before ever felt so in love. I adore every inch of this boy. From the tip of his head, to the end of his foot. I could sit and stare at him for hours on end, and not get bored. I could count the freckles on his nose, and trace the shape of his shoulders with my finger tips. He is literally the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing on my mind before sleep. When I'm with him, I fall asleep pressed up against him. And when I'm not, I miss his so much it kind of hurts.

And every single time I tell him I love him, I can't quite believe how lucky I am. 

Sunday, 18 December 2011

The Help.

I've just watched The Help, and firstly, I'd like to express to whoever is reading this what an amazing film it is. I started reading the book on my Kindle, but put it to the side and forgot about it. But today, I bought the actual book, and decided to get back into it, and the film is absolutely amazing, but so sad, and tragic. 

You know, I have strong views, and when I think back to my ancestors who fought for women to have a voice, I feel a sense of achievement that I have my own voice. Too many women are afraid to stand up for what they believe in, even in the twenty first century. They stay with men who make them feel low, and unattractive. They let their boyfriends, or husbands cheat on them, and then they take them back. Far too many people are scared to take a stand, and tell these people that are no good to keep one foot in front of the other, and walk out of their lives! And sometimes, I feel that my stubbornness is a bad quality. When I think I'm right, I'm determined to show that to people. And when I feel strongly for something, I'm passionate about it to the point of being arrogant. And if somebody I loved was to stand in front of me and admit to infidelity after telling me that he loved me, then I'd tell him to turn around, and walk right out of my life. But now I realise those attributes aren't bad qualities to have. I'm not a doormat, and nor will I be treated like one. And I have my own opinion, and I'm free to express that. And I will do. 

But when I look back at the times, not that long ago, when black and white people were segregated, it makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. What single minded idiot woke up one day and decided that he was better than a black person? What made that person feel like they had the right to belittle someone of a different ethnicity? Because I would like to go back in time and meet that person, and tell them exactly what I think of their ignorant attitude. 

There is so excuse for racism. I don't give a damn that somebody got shot and their killer was black. Or that someone was mugged, and the attacker was black. There is just as much violence caused by white people as there is black, and their race has not a damn thing to do with their actions. People are equal. Whether they're white, black, chinese, indian, whatever! Aside from their skin, they're born with exactly the same limbs, and organs. We all breathe and same, and eat the same way, and we all shit and piss in the same way. So WHO are YOU to decide that you're better than a person? Just the fact that you're judgemental is enough to showcase that how wrong you are. 

It really sickens me that during the race divide, black people were branded ‘niggas’, and ‘negros’. And that they had to go through separate doors, and use different toilets. That they weren't good enough to socialise with, but were good enough to be left along with their children? It doesn't make sense, and it truly disgusts me that people could be treated so poorly. It makes me so angry that the colour of a person’s skin can affect their whole entire lives. And to any person that is racist, I want you to understand that you're the kinds of people that the world really doesn't need. 

So Simple, So True.

Last night, through tears and tantrums, he said those words to me. The words that every girl wishes to hear at least once in her lifetime, and from someone they care about, too.
"You're the one."
I didn't reply. Not because I was crying, or because I don't feel the same. Not even because I was absorbing the anormity of the words he had just said to me. But because I was suddenly hit with this overwhelming force of emotion because I knew there and then that he's the one, too. 



Friday, 16 December 2011

Dear, Future;

You know, one thing that has surprised me a lot this year, and it’s the fact I've realised I can't wait to be a mum. Before, life to me was about money, and having a career, and not even considering having children until I’m in the midst of my thirties, and my eggs are practically on the brink of extinction. But I find that I crave that now, that family. I'm not saying I'm ready to meet you now, because I’m really not. There's still so much that I need to do, and see before I dedicate the rest of my life to you. To being there for you, every second of every single day. But I do know that I look forward to that time in my life now. 

At the moment, I'm going through a pretty hard time. But you need to know that that's just life. It's not an easy ride, and if you were to ever go through life without feeling anger, or pain, or being upset then you're not really alive, or living. Because its those difficult times, and those emotions that you feel that then define you. They make you a stronger person, and you're able to learn from them. Those hard times are fundamental to life because they enable you to grow from them, and its during those moments that you realise not only your worth, but the types of people you want to let into your life. 

I'm with a guy named Jack at the moment, Jack Edney, and I can single handedly tell you that he is the love of my life. I hope that he becomes not only my husband one day, but the father to you. He's so kind, and he's funny, and when I look at him my heart absolutely melts because I can never quite believe he's all mine. And for the first time in my life, I know he's as scared to lose me as I am him. I've dated a few boys, and all have hurt me, and played games, and most likely cheated. And it took being screwed around by those boys for me to really appreciate how special, and unique Jack is. And he really is, and I don't believe in God but I thank someone, somewhere every day that he came into my life. 

My generation is obsessed with social networking sights. At first, it was all about myspace.com, and now its facebook, and Twitter, and tumblr. People criticise us for using them so much, but I like being able to look back on my life, at my statuses, and the quotes I shared with everyone. But more than that, I have my blog. This blog that you'll someday read, hopefully, and you'll be able to read back over my life, over the times when  I was really happy, or the times when I was heart broken and hurting. You can read it all, and get a glimpse into what my life’s like at this current moment, or before, and even in the next few years. I'll write about it all, and its all for you.

I have no idea what you'll look like, or even really what you'll be called. I used to be positive if you were a girl it'd be Ivy, but I'll explain to you one day why it'll never be that name. At the moment I love Marley, or Sofia. And if you're a boy, I really like Noah, or Nathaniel. But Jack's positive if he has a boy, it'll be Harry. So I guess we'll have to see . . . but if you're a girl, or a boy, it doesn't matter. There might even be two or three of you reading this now, and if there is, I love you all. And this is me, at twenty one telling you however many years into the future that you'll continue to be so loved for the rest of your lives. That I'll be here for you, without judgement to listen and help with any problem you find yourself in. My mum has always been here for me, no matter what situations I've gotten myself into, and she's never judged me, and I'm going to be exactly the same with you all.

I want you to know that its okay to make mistakes. Date the wrong people, get so drunk you throw up and vow never to drink again, until the following week when you find yourself in exactly the same situation. Get the bestgrades you can at school, and then find a career that you'll enjoy, not just something that'll make you a lot of money, because you have to enjoy work, that's one thing I do know from working endlessly in a job I hate just to fund my shoe addiction. Travel, you know, see the world. England will be home, but its just a small part of what makes up the world, and there are places out there so beautiful, it'll be a shame for you to never visit them.

So here it is, my life, I guess. And I'm sure there's a lot more to come after this blog. I hope so.

Until we meet in the future, all my love,

- Your mum x

Monday, 12 December 2011

20 Days.

In just twenty days, it'll be a new month. And an entirely new year. And I can't wait. Sometimes, we're sad to leave a year behind, especially one that has held good memories, ones that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. But sometimes, something can happen to wipe out all of those memories, and you're left wanting nothing more than a fresh start. 

This year has held some good times for me, it has. For starters, I went to Elounda in Greece with my nan, and was shown around the place that is essentially her second home. The same little island that she's been visiting for years, and meeting all of those friends she's made out there, and its an experience I will never forget. And I can't wait to go back next year, and see more of Elounda, and to meet those people again.
I also met my boyfriend this year. Although I've known him for a while, we got closer this year, 

and I never would have thought he'd become this person in my life that means as much as he does to me. You see, that's the crazy thing about life. We can see a person in a fleeting moment, or even day in, day out, and we never really know what the future has in store for us. We don't know that one day, that person will become so important to us. And he is important to me. Not just because hes been here for me during one of the toughest times on my life, but because he's the epitome of the perfect boyfriend. And for the first time, I've met someone so special, who in return makes me feel so loved, and adored, and special, too, and I just know he's a keeper. I'd be content to spend the rest of my life alongside him, because it doesn't get any better than it does with him. 

But despite the good times, and there's been many more, I have this hole in my life. A void. One that is missing, and its that dominating male role that I guess I crave. I don't have a granddad, and I no longer have a dad, and I think I just want that male figure in my life. You know, the burly male who gives big, bear hugs, and cheers you up. And I've never really had that. And since my dad left, it feels as though I need it now, more than I ever did before. And it's sad to feel like something fundemental is missing in your life, something you can't just create, or buy.Something that can't easily be replaced by any old person. And I'm not sure that hole ever does get filled, or goes away. You just learn to live without it. And I know that I will. Every day I get stronger, but sometimes you can't help cut cave in and let the cravings take over.

But sometimes out year holds painful memories for us, ones that we hope to one day, not forget, but allow ourselves to look back on, and take stength from, notfind ourselves feeling broken, or hurt anymore. And I want that. I want to go into the new year and forget the people in the past who've literally broken me apart. I don't need those people in my life. Its hard, I know that. And its painful, and it doesn't go away overnight. But I want to take a new attitude into 2012, and now dwell on misery, because life is too short. And one thing I have learnt is that time is so precious. It is the one thing that can't be bought, and I don't want to waste my time on the people who walked away without so much as a glance back. 


So, I'm going to give myself nineteen days. Nineteen days to be angry, or sad. Or cry if I want to cry. I'm going to give in to the emotions, and just let myself feel them. And the next day, as midnight comes and everyone is celebrating the new year being here, I'm going to kiss my boyfriend, and welcome 2012. And as I do so, I'm going to have the biggest smile on my face, because I know that you'll be somewhere with a not so genuine smile on your face because you'll finally realise what you've given up on. And then I'll laugh, because I'm smiling at the fact I don't need you anymore . . . 

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Another Depressing Blog.

Its been a while since I've blogged, but my internet was down and everything has been pretty tough lately. For so many weeks, I've been consumed by this anger, and I've lashed out at pretty much every person who loves me. And now here I am, and for the first time I realised that the anger has faded. Its not gone, and I have no doubt that it will return, and when it does, I will feel this surge of hatred for him again. But right now, all I feel is a sense of loss. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a parent that I've not lost. He just walked away. Just like that. And it kills me. 
 
We all like to think that we're our parents world. Okay, so we fight, and we use teenage angst against them and we moan, and they moan, and its a vicious circle. But under it all, all we can hope is that our parents love us onconditionally, for whatever mistakes we make, that they're there for us any time, any place, any day of the bloody week. So for one of those two people to just wake up one day and walk away from you, well it breaks even the strongest of people. Because how do you cope with that? How do you begin to explain it to yourself in a way that doesn't hurt you? 
I have this ache inside of me, and I just want to cry all of the time. And every time I ache from crying, and my eyes are puffy and I have snot literally covering my face, it doesn't get better. Or easier. It hurt so much more. And what hurts the most is knowing if you really allowed yourself to give in to the pain, and emotion, then who knows how long it could take before the tears stop falling, before you can cry your eyes and move on. Because right now, crying is the only thing that seems to make it okay. 
 
So here I am, having had no contact from my dad, and feeling lost for the first time. I don't know what to do most of the time. I feel so many different emotions, I don't really know what to do. But I do know that with every tear that falls from my eye, I hate you. I don't feel as though you deserve any emotion from me, but I cry because I deserve that release. I deserve to be able to find a way to deal with what you're putting me through. And to any person who ever said tears are a sign a weakness, then you're wrong. I've been strong for so many weeks now, and I still am, but every person has the right to mourn the loss of a person they never thought they'd lose.


Saturday, 19 November 2011

iTrust.

I don't know at what point in my life my trust issues became so fucked up, but they are. Freud can sit here, and analyze that due to my dads new casonova status that he affected me, or some could argue it was when my first boyfriend cheated on me, and then I continued to date people who didn't appreciate me until they'd let me go. But during some period in twenty one years of my existance, I lost the ability to trust. And here I am, at the most emotional time in my life so far, and I have this amazing boyfriend by my side. But when did that not become enough? When was it not enough to have everything. A boyfriend who is an open as I am myself about how he feels for me, how much he loves me. He takes care of me, and makes me feel secure, and hes there whenever I need him, I know he is. And yet somewhere, inside, I continue to push, push, push. And its because I'm scared to trust in him, scared that he might take the same route all the men in my life have taken, the exit. Scared that he might wake up one day and realise that I'm not that girl for him. And so I push.  I have every thing I have ever wanted in a guy, and I push him away.
 
And the most fucked up part about it is that deep down, I know I trust him. I know that he means what he says, and that it'd kill him to see me hurt. I know that he's as good as its going to get, because no person could ever compare to him. He's that one in a million guy. And I ask myself again, why the fuck are you so scewed up?

Friday, 11 November 2011

Dear, Sperm Donar;

I woke up today, and I hate you. It's not resentment. I'm not just disapointed in you. Or let down, or angry beyond any form of verbal explanation. Hate. Just one word, one syllable, four letters. And it describes how I feel for you, my own father. The person who half made me. Whose been there every single day since I was born. The person who fucking up and left without explanation, leaving behind him nothing but a string of lies, and hurt. And that is the only emotion I feel for you. It's taken over the huge resentment I felt for you before, and overwiped any love that I still had for you, and now all I feel is hate. 

I hate you for every single thing you ever done to hurt us. For so many years, I felt this bubbling anger, and at times it felt like it would consume me. I'd lash out, and snap, and get annoyed over such stupid things, and now when I look back I know that its because a part of me knew. It knew you were a shitty person. It knew you were doing stuff to betray mum, and me and Matt, your family, your own flesh and blood. I've had to live with your lies, lying to myself and acting like you weren't that shady person for so long, and I took it all on. And I hate you for that.

I hate the person you are. I hate you for having such a good family and throwing it away for absolutely nothing. And most of all, I hate you because I no longer have a father.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Dear, Mum;

God, so much has changed since the last time I blogged about you. There's so much bitterness, and anger and resentment in my life at the moment, but one of the things that brightens up all of those dark, horrible feelings that ruin life is you. You are amazing, and if I ever told you it before, believe that I've never meant it more than I do now. And not because you're strong, but because you're a beautiful person, you really are. The world needs a few more people like you, and a lot less of the types who betray, and hurt on a regular basis. 

I want you to know that I will never stop needing you. I will always ask your advice on pretty much everything, whether or not I like the answer, and even though it probably wouldn't change my mind, but I ask because I care what you think. I will never stop coming to you when I'm upset, because there will never be a time when you can't momentarily mend me. You can't take this pain away, but you make it a hell of a lot better. I will always laugh with you as silly things, because that's what life's about. I will always share my news with you, whether its appropaite or not, because I want you to know the details of my life. We hold too much back for people, and sometimes, we just need to share it with a person. You're that person. When, one day, I move out, I will be on the end of that phone pretty much daily because I will always want to hear your voice. I could live in LA, New York, on Mars, and you'd still be home to me. One day, when I get married, there's not a person I want more than for you to be there. By my side, through it all. And when I'm pregnant, you'll be the person that I want with me, through it all, because who else would I want? And when my baby is here in the world, you're the person I'll be phoning for every single query, because you've been there before, and you can always learn from your mum. 

So, he may have gone, Mum, but you've never been more needed. You're single handedly the most important person in my life, and nothing will ever change that. And I want you to know that I am so proud of you. You could've fallen apart, and nobody would have blamed you, but you've held it together, and I admire you, Mum. I admire the person you are, because if ever there was a role model, then you're it. The qualities you have are the ones that more people need, and that's why it angers me when I think about what he did. A person like you deserve to be loved in such a magical way. And I promise you that one day, whether it be in a few months, a year, or even ten, you will meet someone, and that person will be every single thing you ever deserved. I want that for you.

But until then it's just us three, and Rusty and Seth. And Jack, he's pretty much part of the furniture now, anyway. And we're gonna be okay, because we have love in our lives, and as long as we have that and our sense of humour, we're gonna be just fine. Broke, maybe, but just fine.

I love you, and I always will.

- Lo x

Quote of the Moment.

"Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain, and makes someone feel wonderful again."



Wednesday, 2 November 2011

A thought.

In the past few thinks, I've really thought a lot. About the person I am, and the person other people percieve you to be. And for a while, I blamed myself for my dad leaving. Was I, perhaps, too grumpy, too moany? Did I not go to him enough, and share enough? Did I not make him feel like I loved him? But then I got angry with myself, and I thought, fuck you. I'm a hormonal teenager, I hate the world and love it in equal measures, and sometimes I'm just angry. At everything, and nothing at the same time. I get pissed off easily, but those times are outnumbered by the times when I'm happy. And I am a loving person. Its in my nature to show the people closest to me how much they mean to me. So I said a huge fuck you to him for ever making me doubt myself, or the person I am. Because I'm one of the good people, and we all know the world is falling short on them. 

And you know what makes me sad? That all I ever wanted from him was for him to show me that he actually loved me. To not hug me because I'd gone to hug him. But to come up to me, reach out and just pull me into his arms. Or to tell me that he loved me without saying me having said it first. I just wanted to feel like I had a dad who wanted to be a part of my life. I guess I always felt that he didn't love me, and I'm not writing this blog, and hoping that all who are reading it are getting out their mini violins, and playing me a sad symphonyto the sound of my own pity party tune. I just want you all to understand that sometimes, we can spend so long chasing something that isn't there, and sometimes, theres not a damn thing we could've done differently. Some people are just born into this world to disapoint, and to look after themselves, and we're all better off without them. And that's the thing I've learnt the most.




Tuesday, 25 October 2011

What I Learnt In Two Weeks.

1;  That I have the strongest mum, ever. In two weeks, everything she thought was her life has literally fallen apart, and its all been built on lies. And I've watched her cry, and break down. I've seen her take control of our lives. And I've let her comfort me. And during it all, I've seen this strength I always knew was inside of her, and she amazes me. And she'll be okay. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. Or this side of 2011. But one day she will smile again, and she won't feel betrayal, or pain. She'll let those feelings go, and when she does, there we'll be. By her side through it all. Just us three. 
2;  That working in a job just because it funds your ever growing shoe addiction will never make it any more bearable. If there was ever a time for me to chase my dreams, its now. 
3;  I am so proud of my brother Matthew for his achievements out in Thailand, and can't express enough for pleased for him I am that he's been living his own dream out there. But I miss him. And the selfish side of me that needs comfort, and familiarity wants him to come home. The 1st can't come quick enough.
4; That tears don't mean you're a weak person. here have been times during these past two weeks where I've not cried, and I've been able to speak without getting upset. But there’s also been times when I can't help but cry, or do anything except cry, and no any person who sees crying as a weakness, you're wrong. We cry because we need the release, and because sometimes, its the only thing we can do to grieve. 
5;  That I have some pretty amazing people in my life, family and friends, as well as work colleagues. It takes a situation that turns your world upside down for you to realise whose actually there for you. 
6;  That my love for Jack literally grows every day. Never before have I loved a person like I do him, and I'm so lucky he's a part of my life. 
7; I no longer have a dad. He walked out of my life without so much as a truthful explanation, a goodbye, or a genuine apology. He lied to me for pretty much half of my life, and I will never forgive him for the things he's done to my mum, me, or my brother. I've lost family in the last two weeks, but the family I have left are all that I need because they're the good people. The ones who do love me unconditionally, and who deserve to be a fixture in my life. 
8; People who use a tragedy as an excuse to lash out with their vicious words, and have an opinion aren't worthwhile people. They're sad. And something fundamental must be missing in their life is they choose to become to involved with another persons life. 
9; Theo Cullen, welcome to the family. I already love you :)


Sunday, 16 October 2011

Dear, Dad;

I woke up today and all I felt was anger. I was angry at Jack just because he woke up and the first thing he did was hug me. I was angry at myself because my alarm clock didn't go off and I overslept. I was angry at the clothes on my bedroom floor. I was angry that Nan came round and got upset, and then I was angry because I didn't know what to say to make her feel better. I was angry when mum tried to hug me. I was angry at the fact my best friend wanted to come round and see me, and because she kept ringing my phone. But more than anything, I am so angry at you. 

I have all of these angry feelings inside of me, and I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to throw something, or break something, or just scream and shout. I feel like nothing will take away this feeling inside of me, and then I realised it was resentment. I resent you. I resent you for never making me feel like I had a dad who loved me. I resent you for never being the type of father every little girl deserves. I resent you for all the times you were grumpy, or rude, or was so opinionated. And more than anything else, I resent the fact that you left without feeling like we deserved an explanation.


Anybody can walk away from a marriage, or a family. Its a coward who walks away without explanation. And it doesn't have a damn thing to do with not being able to cope with arguments. It’s about not being able to hear the truth, to hear what we really think about you. But you couldn't stay and listen to that. Instead, you waited until we left, and then you left.


And this is what I would have said to you. I would have told you firstly how you're the biggest disappointment in my life. I never felt like you loved me,  yet I made excuses up, hoping that when I was older and no longer controlled by hormones that you'd be there for me. That you'd come to me and hug me, and not because I'd come to you first, but because its how you show that you love someone. You'd be the one to dry my eyes when I was crying, and to tell me that I deserved better than any of those boys who hurt me, and treated me like dirt. And more than anything, you'd just be that person who I looked up to.


But you was never him, and you ended up hurting me more than any of those boys who hurt me before. The one person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally, absolutely killed me.


I'd also tell you that you never deserved mum. Not once in twenty five years of your marriage did you deserve to have such an amazing woman beside you when you were such a poor excuse for a man yourself. And yet you took her for granted, and no words could ever begin to even justify the way you've treated her. Nothing at all. And I'm angry because I look back and remember the times when you were happy and I feel sick, because they were a lie. There was always this other life you were living, a life where we didn't exist, and how can I ever look at you again and smile, when all I can think is how could my own dad even pretend to not have this family? 



So I hope that you're happy, and that she was worth it, because you no longer have a daughter, not that I doubt you even care. But one day, you'll realise just how lucky you were to have us, and on the same day we'll probably already be over you, and realising that we never needed you.


- Lo x

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

The Sad Smile.

In the last forty eight hours, literally my entire world has changed. And life goes on, and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, I know that. But it doesn't take anything away from the fact that my world is falling apart, and every single part of my every day life is now different. And I don't want to talk. I don't want to sit and talk about the weather, or who went out on the x Factor. I can't sit there and act the same when nothings the same, everything is different now. And I laugh, and I joke, but behind every single word, I just want to break down and cry.


So forgive me when I don't seem happy, or bubbly. Or laugh, and make funny comments.But he's gone, and he'll never come back, and I accept that, but there's still a part of it that is currently killing me, and how do you hide that behind a smile?

Monday, 10 October 2011

Dear, Jack;

If there was ever a time for me to really realise how much you mean to me, then its now. When literally everything you believed was your life turns out to just be this web of lies, I can't even begin to explain to you how much I've needed to have you there. Llife is like held togeter by these tiny, thin threads, and god are they fragile. One swift movement and your whole entire world can begin to crumble, and five seconds later its falling apart.

It hit me today that I don't have that figure in my life anymore. And I'm supposed to be guided by him, you know. But then I realised he was never that figure, even when he was here for me, and I won't allow my trust issues that stemmed from him being such a lying, conceited bastard, to so much as taint my relationship with you.

Seeing you almost run to my door last night, and be there for me, even in the early hours of the morning when I was still crying, was the moment that I truly knew you're exactly the person I want to be in my future. I have never before loved a person so much that it hurts, that I am so consumed by just your being. And I'm really lucky to have you, and will never take that for granted, I can promise you. 

I love you, Jack Edney. With every single tiny miniscule part of my heart.
And I'll be yours forever.

- Lo x

Saturday, 8 October 2011

How.

I think that Brooke Davis said it better than anybody when she said some times people put up walls, not to keep people away. But to see who cares enough to tear those walls down.
Has anybody else ever done that? Pushed someone away? Even though they're the very best person to have ever come into your life, even after the way they make you feel. You know, a part of you is just scared. And it pushes, and pushes and pushes, because you're so haunted by all those previous dickheads that abused your trust when they said they'd never go that you don't really believe anybody who says it anymore. 


And then they want to know whats wrong. They want you to explain. To put into words how you're feeling. To tell them that you push because you expect that one day, they will go. Just like everyone else before. And you push because the quicker that happens, the less it'll hurt. 
 
 



These Words.

Do you ever wonder whether or not your words matter? Whether they're powerful enough to change something inside of people. Whether its laughter, or a smile, even tears. Wonder whether you have the ability to move people, to write things from the heart that other people can identify with? Can read and just instantly relate to? Do you ever sit back and just wonder whether somewhere in this world, someone is reading your words this very second, and you're changing their lives somehow?

I think that sometimes, doubt is a more poisonous emotion than fear.


Thursday, 6 October 2011

Dear, Paige;

When I was younger, I used to wish that my mum and dad would have another baby, this time a girl.  Preferably it would come from a catalogue, because lets face it, thinking of a baby coming through the vaginal passage, let alone thinking of our parents doing it is quite nauseating. But alas, no baby came, and I instead grew up with cousins, one which was you. And growing up we were always more like sisters. But I didn't realise just how close our bond was until these last few years, and I can put my hand on my heart, and solemnly brownie swear that I look to you as nothing but my little sister that I got all those years ago, just not from my own mum.
  
When we have days together, I love how we laugh at the smallest of things. We binge on junk food, before making pacts to eat healthy from the next day. We watch programmes like Jersey Shore, and Jackass, and then proceed to over abuse their catchphrases, such as Yeahhh, buddy!

I can't believe how much you're growing up, and so quickly. It feels like only a year or so ago that you were that child with the wild bush hair. But here you are, sixteen, and more mature than ever before, and you're growing into the person you're going to be. You know, when you're younger, everything shapes the person you grow up to be, and I am so proud of who you are, Paige.

I know I say you can't date until you're twenty one, and its not because I don't want to see you with a boy, or think you couldn't be with someone worthy. You're beautiful, and any boy would be lucky to be with you. It's more than fact that I don't think I could bear for you to be hurt by one. At twenty one, I've been through situations that at the time, I felt like I wouldn't get through. I've been lied to, and hurt, and it sucks. And the thought that someone might break your heart isn't something I'm comfortable with, because you're my little sister, and I don't think I'd ever be able to see you hurt, without wanting to separating that boys male anatomy. 

But I also know that its those mistakes that teach you vital life lessons. You get hurt so that you know what it feels like. You know, when you can identify hurt like that it makes you stronger. Sometimes people aren't honest, and they lie, and cheat, and at the time it kills you, but when you look back you find that it also taught you to not grace unworthy people with such a precious emotion such as your trust. But there are times when I am so happy, like I am now with Jack, and I want that for you, too. Someone to treat you like you're the only girl they see. Because it's lovely. 

Here are a few things I want you to know.
1.  
School might be tough at times, but you can do it. Stick it out, and I have every faith that you'll be glad when you look back.
2.
Buy shoes, and lots of them. And if your mum ever says you have enough, don't listen to her.
3.
You're beautiful, and you can have any guy you want. But those messy haired, rock types seem hot, and mysterious, but they're unhygienic, and most likely have an STD than any form of education. Date the guys who are more than a pretty face. 
4.
Trust until somebody gives you a reason not to. I spent a lot of time with trust issues fucking me up, and when I look back at those times, I feel sad that I was so scared to trust people so easily.
5. 
Do fall in love one day, and when you do, tell me every single detail.



And remember, I am here for you every second of every single day. I will never judge you, and whatever situation you find yourself in, believe with certainty that I am here for you, and I have your back, as those so called G's would say.

I love you, little sister.

-Lo x


Rewind.

You know, I take it back. I trust him more than I've ever trusted any one person before, and its scary, trusting someone so much and knowing that they do have that ability to hurt you. The power over you. But trusting them that they're not going to. And I realise that I do trust him. More than ever before, and more than I'd willingly trust any other person.

I've never been in love until now, not the real legit stuff. You know, the ridiculously bad cases of bed hair, and the swollen lips because you literally can not stop kissing him. The texts that make your jaw ache from smiling, and your stomach swarm with butterflies. The way you want to be around him every second of every single day. And the way you love to fall asleep with him, somehow pressed up against him because you just want that contact. 

And he is everything that I ever wanted from a guy, but never found. For my entire dating history, I've been with those who've made me insecure, who've destroyed my trust, and those who've wanted to mould me. And for the first time I am with this person who is entirely content with the person I am, and he still makes me feel special. And for the first time, I think he's affraid to lose me. And I hope that every single person meets somebody and feels what I do for him at least once in their lifetime. 

So to all of those dickheads that hurt me, and played me, I just want to say thank you.
If you hadn't treated me like utter shit, then I probably wouldn't be with someone so amazing now. And I also wouldn't have recognised just how perfect he is without you. So again, thanks.



I'm a very lucky girl. 




I am never letting this guy go, ever.
J.E. <3

Thursday, 29 September 2011

One Lie.

I lied to him. He asked me if I trusted him, and I said yes. But the truth is, I don't know if I'll ever fully trust anybody. Situations in the past have always proven to me that people aren't always as they seem. Even the nicest of people can lie, and be decietful. We're humans, it's somewhat a second nature to us to lie, whether it be something small or something big. We do it to protect ourselves, and those around us. Sometimes to spare someones feelings. But we all do it. So how can you trust one person to never hurt you? 
 
I don't think you can. 

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Pedistool of Love.

How is it that we allow ourselves to do that? To put a person up there on a pedistool, yet never put ourselves up there? We can allow ourselves to become so consumed by another being, to practically idolise them. We'll trace every single detail of their faces, mould ourselves to their body, do anything we can to please that person, and yet still not feel like we're good enough. Still feel like we don't deserve to be with them in the first place.

And I don't know why we never do so, but we never put ourselves up there. We always pick faults in ourselves. We're too fat, too curvy. Our boobs aren't high enough, or big enough, or they look shit without a bra. And when it comes to our appearences? Our noses are too big, or our mouths too small, and as for our eyebrows? Why can't we get that precision between slugs, and worms right? 

But you know, we will never look perfect in the mornings. We're human. We'll fall asleep in awkward positions, and when we wake up, we will have a bad case of bed hair. We can't fall asleep in make-up just so that we wake up and feel adequate. We'll go to sleep bare faced, and wake up the same way, and until we can accept that thats the way we look, then how can we expect other people too? 
Nobody is better than anbody else, I know that. And by us putting people above ourselves, we're allowing ourselves to feel like we fall short, that we're not good enough. Every person shines in a different way, whether its the infectious laugh they have, or their bright personality, or their intellect. And a person who judges another person on their looks will have a shallow relationship. A person who can see past the way you look in the mornings, and the times when hormones consume you and you're just angry, and can still look at you in the exact same way, still tell you that you're gorgeous, then they're the ones who are worth being a fixture in our lives. Because those people are real, and honest. And all you need is for somebody to look at you in the exact same way each and every time they see you.


That's true love. 


Saturday, 24 September 2011

Monday, 19 September 2011

What I Learnt This Weekend.

1; That I have myself a pretty damn perfect boyfriend. Nobody has ever made me this secure, or this happy. And I hope that he's here for the long haul.
2; Jealously is only a feeling that people allow you to feel when they're not worth it. The right person will make you feel so secure, so beautiful, and so happy that you won't care when they get a text, or mention a girls name. Those that thrive on you feeling jealously because it gets them some kind of testosterone rush are pathetic.
3; I love my parents, but I am ready to think about moving out. I spent a week home alone, and it wasn't scary. I think that I'm finally growing up, but this is no way reflects a dent in our relationship, I love my parents more than life itself, and my mum will always be my best friend. 
4; Sometimes missing somebody isn't enough. Sometimes there are just too many negative energies, and faults for a friendship to work, and its sad, but you have to let go of people. Needless to say, we'll never ever forget them, even if we wanted to.
5; My best friend makes me laugh like nobody else. On an application to Easy Jet, they asked, 'Why do you want to work for Easy Jet?' To which she replied, 'I like the colour orange.' I'm easily amused, and our humor is childish, but I cherish those moments. 
6; Situations can change quickly, and the way in which a males brain works will never fail to astound me. 
7; I can actually cook, and not take the house down with me. I might become a housewife yet . . .
8; Jeffrey Campbell are on par with my love for LouBoutins.
9; I'm the happiest I've been in years.



Sunday, 18 September 2011

I heart.


Absolutely in love <3

Stepping Stone.

If a year ago, someone had told me that this time next year, I'd be with him, then I wouldn't have bought it. But it's funny isn't it? The way that people who've always been there in our lives, lingering somewhere in the background, but just close enough to not fade away, suddenly become so significant to us. How they could open up our hearts, take away our trust issues, and make us smile like nobody else before. How they can become someone to us.

I feel like I'm falling in love for the first time. And it's scary, it really is. But I'm not scared about messing up anymore. I'm scared of exactly that; love. Scared that I'm the first person he's let this close, fully let in, and allowed himself to feel something for. I'm at a stage in my life where I feel like, for the first time, that I'm ready for something serious, and long-term. I truly feel like Jack is this fixture in my life that I can't see myself without now. And I want it to slowly progress into something bigger, and bigger. And he says he wants that, too. I connect with this guy in a way that I've never done so before. But a part of me feels that this is new for him, and what if he wakes up one day, and I become exactly that? His first love. You know, the one that you plan all of that stuff with. First its the name of the pet you'll get, then it's a bit more serious and you're talking baby names. And then houses, and where you'd like to get married. But what if he wakes up one day, and decides that I was just a stepping stone. An experience. A first time love. 

I'm not sure whether my heart could take that. 

But that's love, isn't it? You go in and slowly you lose reservations, and you let this person into your mind, and your heart, and you never really know how far it'll go. You just have to live life like a stepping stone, taking one step at a time.




Monday, 12 September 2011

The Right Choices.

Today, I started going out with a guy named Jack. And you'll be glad to know that he's the good guy. Not the bad boy, nor the game player. The most straightforward and affectionate guy I think I've ever known. And he makes me feel like I deserve to be with somebody who is good for me. Somebody that will never stop kissing me, and holding me. Someone who will tell me that I look nice, even during those times when I know that I really don't look my best.

And for the first time, I don't feel jealous, or paranoid. And I'm not living in the fear that he's going to break my heart, or hurt me in any way. 


There's a quote in The Adjustment Bureau where David says, "All I have are the choices I make, and I choose her." 

That quote feels relevant to my life. For the first time in my life, I'm not chasing the ones who will hurt me, but letting myself be with somebody who is going to treat me just right, who makes me smile, and laugh, and who I simply cannot get enough of. 



I feel like I deserve to smile.

You could say life is good. 




And I think that I could fall for him.


Thursday, 8 September 2011

Twenty First Century Fuckup.

For so long, I've thought about the perfect guy. Been consumed by the mere idea of him. I've blogged about him so many times before. In my head, he's taken shape, and I know exactly what it is that I'm looking for. What I want from him, and how he'll treat me, even the ways in which he'll look at me. How he'll make me feel so special, and loved. So why is it that we allow ourselves to mess things up with the guys are are potentially that guy? You know, the ones that don't want to hurt us, or see us cry. They want to keep our smiles real, our hearts in tact, because to them, the simpe knowledge of love is so precious. 


I blog about never settling for second best, to be somebodies everything, and to only ever allow yourself to fall for somebody who is willing to love you back. So why is it that there is still a part of me that craves him? The one I shouldn't be thinking about. Still a part of me that, after all I say, is still willing to fall second best. The one who I don't wake up beside. The one who isn't the guy who likes to fall asleep with his arms wrapped round me, and kisses me non-stop. He's not the guy who tells me that I'm special, or that I look beautiful when I look like a throw back to cave men, or the guy who tells me that I'm the only one he wants. 

You see, we girls are possibly the most confusing gender. We want the good guys, and when we get them, we're blinkered by the bad guys suddenly ferrying after us. And they'll hurt us, because they always do. And then we'll bitch, and moan, and plaster over every social networking site going about how men are wankers, when in reality we're actually to blame.We had the good guy, and yet we still went back to the bad guy.
 Still let the good guy slip away. And for what? To trade being treated like we should be, how we deserved to be treated, to being treated like a part of some never ending game? Strung along until our hearts are broken, and we're damn right misreble. Then we wake up and realise we've been stupid. And it's only when we can't have him anymore than we suddenly want him.

So guys, they can never really win. We want one thing, and yet we chase after entirely another thing altogether. So do we really have a right to moan when he breaks out heart, and the good guy no longer wants us?






Sunday, 4 September 2011

Unworthy Of My Love.

Has that ever happened to anybody else before? When you like someone for absolutely ages. For so long that you can't even remember when a simple crush started and spiraled into something altogether more, something stronger. So strong that they seem to have this pull over you. And here's the catch 22. They already have a girlfriend. And she's pretty, and funny, and nice, she always is. Just so that it makes it harder. And the second you decide to give up on them, and meet someone else, they show an interest. Suddenly tell you all of those things that you wanted to hear them tell you for so long. That they like you, that they can't stop thinking about you, that you're pretty . . .

Well, to every single person whose ever had to go through this, I have this to say to you. You deserve to be a first option, every single time. My brother told me recently to never settle for second best, and I won't ever again, and neither should you.

And to the people who want to have their cake and eat it, I have this to say to you. You have no right. No right to not allow a person happiness with another person. No right to use your words to hold some kind of pull over them. No right to leave them dangling to serve some sadistic part of your personality. And more than that, you owe it to your partner to not be that person, to not crave the attention of another person. If you're not going to make them your everything, then you don't deserve a part of their heart. So don't say anything. 










Friday, 2 September 2011

One Day At A Time.

I think that as every day passes, I take a step closer to falling for you . . .


Monday, 29 August 2011

Dear, World;

There are so many individual people in the world. 
So many different personalities, so many different names, and dress senses, and tastes in music. People can be alike, but everybody is an individual part of the world, a significant figure that helps to populate. But the thing that every single person has is a problem.


Sometimes it's small, like needing to find an outfit for a special date, and finding nothing but endless sales bargaining off the summer stuff that nobody wanted to buy, even three years ago. Sometimes its bigger, like needing to find a place out there to build your career from, but feeling so inadequate.Sometimes we're struggling to make money, or to have enough money, and sometimes we just wake up, and feel like the world that we live in hates us. 

So to every single one of you, I want you to know that you're not alone.
Our problems may not be the same, but we all have them. Maybe everything is going okay for us today, maybe tomorrow we'll be lucky, too, but at some point, we will come across a bump in the road that is life, and we'll question ourselves. Sometimes we'll lose faith, and lack confidence. Sometimes we'll be living with the fear we're going to mess up, and sometimes the odds just stack up against us, no matter what we do, or how hard we try.

But everything will be okay. I need to believe that, you need to believe that, we all do.
You'll survive, and the problem that seems so big at the time, well, after a while it won't seem so huge.
We're young, and we're going to make mistakes. But we're also going to have to learn how to build on failure, to learn from those mistakes, and go to keep our heads held high, and keep on moving.



Friday, 26 August 2011

Dear, Matt;

It feels so, so surreal that you're not going to be here for two months. I'm happy for you, though, I want you to know that. For so long, you've had dreams, and aspirations, and you're finally living them. But still, it feels so surreal. You've been here every single day of my life, and although we bicker like any two people who share DNA happen to do, you've always been there. If I have a song I think you'll like, I tell you. If I want a chocolate fix, I raid your room. And there are times when I'm sat at the computer and I hear you in my bedroom, looking for a DVD to watch, and its the times like that that you really don't appreciate until they're not going to be there anymore.

This sounds like a goodbye, and I know you're only going to be gone for two months, but I think you're going to really change out there, you're going to find something, I don't know what. Independence maybe. New loves, new passions. But something. And I hope that you do.

I hope you go to Thailand and find yourself. Find the person you want to be, away from home, and from people that were never good enough to be a fixture in your life. And I hope that you fall in love with something again, to feel that desire to make something of your life that I know is inside of you, because I have it in me, too. 

But most of all, I want you to be safe. To enjoy yourself, but to come home in one piece.


And remember that I love you. Always have, and I always will.
- Lo x





Thursday, 25 August 2011

Good in Goodbye.

It's really strange how sometimes, we can't foresee a life without a person in it. It doesn't seem possible that they would ever not be there. But we go through life and we lose people along the way, people that we love, people that we never would have thought we'd lose.

But we do. And we survive. Our hearts don't break, and we don't stop living. And I guess that's life. We go through crappy situations to prove that we can, and we'll always survive, however much it hurts. And the people we used to think we couldn't live without, well we do. 


Wednesday, 24 August 2011

A Small Prayer.

I've not felt this way in really long time. Nervous, giddy, grinning like a nerd every time I see your name flash up on my phone.
The way I usually never pick up my phone, but for you I do, every time, and we talk for ages.
The way you kiss me, the way you hold my face, the way you're just so perfect. 

Please, don't be like those other guys.
Make me believe again that someone can be there for me.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Quote of the Moment

"Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says: "You're nowhere near ready". And the other half says: "Make her yours forever"

- [Tyler, Remember Me]

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Dear, Grandad.

I think about you a lot, especially lately. I feel like there's this male figure missing in my life, which I know is you. And I envy those that have their grandads in their lives, and I don't know that they ever really know how lucky they are.

You're the one I'm supposed to come to with my problems, and you're not supposed to say a word. Just sit there like you always did, quiet and reserved, yet I'd know you'd be listening to every word. You'd get up, ask me if I wanted a drink or something, and that would be that. That might seem like such a bizarre, and cold conversation to anybody who didn't know you, but some of the best times in my childhood were when I'd come and visit you and nan, and you would be sat saying nothing, letting me play with your hair, putting in clips and pretending to spray you with perfume.
And more than anything, I want to know what you think. I want to know if you're proud of me, if you think that all my dreams will come true, if I can make them all come true. I want to know you approve of the guys I'm with, to think that they're good enough to be with me, your granddaughter. I want you to see us all now, to see how much we've changed over the years, how Samantha's expecting her first baby, how Matt's going to Thailand in just under two weeks, for two whole months. I want to know what you think of the way Nan is now that you've gone. The day that you died, I think something went out inside of her, too. She's not the same, she lives in misery more than she does love, and joy, and she rarely laughs anymore. I try, I want you to know that. I try and make her laugh, and smile, and when we went Greece together, I think she liked having me there. I go round and just sit with her, watching yet another animal programme when I'd rather be watching Snog, Marry, Avoid, because I like the way she talks all the way through it to me, telling me facts. She talks about you a lot, too. I don't think she talks about anything as avidly, or with as much animation as she does the past, and that's how I know that the pass, the life she spent with you, are the times that made her life here worthwhile. You know, she lights up. And I listen to the same stories, sometimes two, three, maybe four times, and each time I listen, because once she's gone, who do I have to tell me that stuff?

Sometimes I wish that when I walk through her door, that you'd be there, sitting in the same old chair, watching the TV in the same old position; legs bent up on the stool in front. I want to adsorb every single microscopic detail of your face. Why did I never do that before? Why did I never stop still and just look at you?

And I wish you were here for me, too. I'm so angry at the fact you got taken from us before the times when we were independent enough to do these things, like taking you out for lunch, or taking you to see the film you fancy. Or to just be able to go for a walk with you. 

I was just six, maybe seven when you were taken from life, and I don't remember mourning much. I was naive, I guess. Being young enough to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't. But now, here I am, twenty one years old and missing you more than ever. And I can't lie to myself, and pretend that I don't still miss you, because I do. And I can't comfort myself in the fact that you're up there, looking down on me, because I don't even believe in God. And even if I did, I can't seek comfort in knowing you're somewhere above, looking down on me, because I'm selfish enough to wish you wasn't there, that you'd never gotten sick, and that you were here right now, and I wouldn't be writing this. 
I guess the one thing life has taught me, is that its never fair. The people we love get taken from us, and sick, evil and twisted people around the world live to old ages, when they don't deserve life.

And for that, I'm sorry. 

 I love you, and live with the hope that one day, somehow, I'll see you again . . .

- Lo x