I find that the mere word depression is depressing. It's such an ugly word, isn't it? I mean, is there even such a thing as depression? Or is it just that sometimes life is so shit, that we simply just can't pick ourselves up. In which case, it shouldn't be called depression, and instead the-lifes-shit-blues. TLSB for short, of course.
I am at the lowest point of my life. I've never been in such a horrible, dark place before. And I don't know whats wrong. The doctor called it 'acute reaction stress' but that doesn't seem to justify the way I feel. I mean, is it down to the fact my dad up and left? Or did this stem from the fact my life seems to have no meaning at the moment? A few months ago, I had University, and then the prospect of easily finding a job, and making lots of money. And yet here I am, months onwards, and its harder to get a job than I thought. I'm still slaving away in retail for a wage that doesn't allow me the luxury of not worrying about money. Or is it down to the fact I feel a spotty, fat, ugly mess? I have roots spouting out my head because I'm unsure of what colour to dye it next. The scales are actually on my side for once, but I feel fat, which can only be down to the comfort carbs I've been devouring lately. Hello, pot noodles, and chocolate. And as for getting fit, I can barely drag myself out of bed at a decent hour to have breakfast, let alone sweat it out to an 80 minute exercise DVD. And I no longwr have an interest in facebook. Once upon a time, it was my daily source of gossip. The first thing I'd do when I woke up would be to divuldge in my news feed to see what arguments were going down, or who was now in a realtionship, or more seriously, knocked up. The thought alone of deactivating my facebook and being without such constant updates horrified me. Surely you couldn't go cold turkey overnight? Surely there must be a facebook rehab? Well apparently not. And as I confirmed my deactivation, nothing changed. No heart convulsion of sheer shock took over my body. I wasn't short of breath, or having palpitations. I felt nothing.
So, I'm going to go crawl back into my bed, and hibernate underneath my duvet, and listen to Ben Howard, and hope that tomorrow, I feel better.