One Lie.

I lied to him. He asked me if I trusted him, and I said yes. But the truth is, I don't know if I'll ever fully trust anybody. Situations in the past have always proven to me that people aren't always as they seem. Even the nicest of people can lie, and be decietful. We're humans, it's somewhat a second nature to us to lie, whether it be something small or something big. We do it to protect ourselves, and those around us. Sometimes to spare someones feelings. But we all do it. So how can you trust one person to never hurt you? 

 

I don't think you can. 

Pedistool of Love.

How is it that we allow ourselves to do that? To put a person up there on a pedistool, yet never put ourselves up there? We can allow ourselves to become so consumed by another being, to practically idolise them. We'll trace every single detail of their faces, mould ourselves to their body, do anything we can to please that person, and yet still not feel like we're good enough. Still feel like we don't deserve to be with them in the first place.

And I don't know why we never do so, but we never put ourselves up there. We always pick faults in ourselves. We're too fat, too curvy. Our boobs aren't high enough, or big enough, or they look shit without a bra. And when it comes to our appearences? Our noses are too big, or our mouths too small, and as for our eyebrows? Why can't we get that precision between slugs, and worms right? 

But you know, we will never look perfect in the mornings. We're human. We'll fall asleep in awkward positions, and when we wake up, we will have a bad case of bed hair. We can't fall asleep in make-up just so that we wake up and feel adequate. We'll go to sleep bare faced, and wake up the same way, and until we can accept that thats the way we look, then how can we expect other people too? 

Nobody is better than anbody else, I know that. And by us putting people above ourselves, we're allowing ourselves to feel like we fall short, that we're not good enough. Every person shines in a different way, whether its the infectious laugh they have, or their bright personality, or their intellect. And a person who judges another person on their looks will have a shallow relationship. A person who can see past the way you look in the mornings, and the times when hormones consume you and you're just angry, and can still look at you in the exact same way, still tell you that you're gorgeous, then they're the ones who are worth being a fixture in our lives. Because those people are real, and honest. And all you need is for somebody to look at you in the exact same way each and every time they see you.

That's true love. 

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What I Learnt This Weekend.

1; That I have myself a pretty damn perfect boyfriend. Nobody has ever made me this secure, or this happy. And I hope that he's here for the long haul.

2; Jealously is only a feeling that people allow you to feel when they're not worth it. The right person will make you feel so secure, so beautiful, and so happy that you won't care when they get a text, or mention a girls name. Those that thrive on you feeling jealously because it gets them some kind of testosterone rush are pathetic.
3; I love my parents, but I am ready to think about moving out. I spent a week home alone, and it wasn't scary. I think that I'm finally growing up, but this is no way reflects a dent in our relationship, I love my parents more than life itself, and my mum will always be my best friend. 

4; Sometimes missing somebody isn't enough. Sometimes there are just too many negative energies, and faults for a friendship to work, and its sad, but you have to let go of people. Needless to say, we'll never ever forget them, even if we wanted to.
5; My best friend makes me laugh like nobody else. On an application to Easy Jet, they asked, 'Why do you want to work for Easy Jet?' To which she replied, 'I like the colour orange.' I'm easily amused, and our humor is childish, but I cherish those moments. 

6; Situations can change quickly, and the way in which a males brain works will never fail to astound me. 

7; I can actually cook, and not take the house down with me. I might become a housewife yet . . .
8; Jeffrey Campbell are on par with my love for LouBoutins.
9; I'm the happiest I've been in years.

I heart.

Absolutely in love <3

Stepping Stone.

If a year ago, someone had told me that this time next year, I'd be with him, then I wouldn't have bought it. But it's funny isn't it? The way that people who've always been there in our lives, lingering somewhere in the background, but just close enough to not fade away, suddenly become so significant to us. How they could open up our hearts, take away our trust issues, and make us smile like nobody else before. How they can become someone to us.

I feel like I'm falling in love for the first time. And it's scary, it really is. But I'm not scared about messing up anymore. I'm scared of exactly that; love. Scared that I'm the first person he's let this close, fully let in, and allowed himself to feel something for. I'm at a stage in my life where I feel like, for the first time, that I'm ready for something serious, and long-term. I truly feel like Jack is this fixture in my life that I can't see myself without now. And I want it to slowly progress into something bigger, and bigger. And he says he wants that, too. I connect with this guy in a way that I've never done so before. But a part of me feels that this is new for him, and what if he wakes up one day, and I become exactly that? His first love. You know, the one that you plan all of that stuff with. First its the name of the pet you'll get, then it's a bit more serious and you're talking baby names. And then houses, and where you'd like to get married. But what if he wakes up one day, and decides that I was just a stepping stone. An experience. A first time love. 

I'm not sure whether my heart could take that. 

But that's love, isn't it? You go in and slowly you lose reservations, and you let this person into your mind, and your heart, and you never really know how far it'll go. You just have to live life like a stepping stone, taking one step at a time.

The Right Choices.

Today, I started going out with a guy named Jack. And you'll be glad to know that he's the good guy. Not the bad boy, nor the game player. The most straightforward and affectionate guy I think I've ever known. And he makes me feel like I deserve to be with somebody who is good for me. Somebody that will never stop kissing me, and holding me. Someone who will tell me that I look nice, even during those times when I know that I really don't look my best.

And for the first time, I don't feel jealous, or paranoid. And I'm not living in the fear that he's going to break my heart, or hurt me in any way. 


There's a quote in The Adjustment Bureau where David says, "All I have are the choices I make, and I choose her." 

That quote feels relevant to my life. For the first time in my life, I'm not chasing the ones who will hurt me, but letting myself be with somebody who is going to treat me just right, who makes me smile, and laugh, and who I simply cannot get enough of. 


I feel like I deserve to smile.

You could say life is good. 

And I think that I could fall for him.