Sunday, 16 October 2011

Dear, Dad;

I woke up today and all I felt was anger. I was angry at Jack just because he woke up and the first thing he did was hug me. I was angry at myself because my alarm clock didn't go off and I overslept. I was angry at the clothes on my bedroom floor. I was angry that Nan came round and got upset, and then I was angry because I didn't know what to say to make her feel better. I was angry when mum tried to hug me. I was angry at the fact my best friend wanted to come round and see me, and because she kept ringing my phone. But more than anything, I am so angry at you. 

I have all of these angry feelings inside of me, and I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to throw something, or break something, or just scream and shout. I feel like nothing will take away this feeling inside of me, and then I realised it was resentment. I resent you. I resent you for never making me feel like I had a dad who loved me. I resent you for never being the type of father every little girl deserves. I resent you for all the times you were grumpy, or rude, or was so opinionated. And more than anything else, I resent the fact that you left without feeling like we deserved an explanation.

Anybody can walk away from a marriage, or a family. Its a coward who walks away without explanation. And it doesn't have a damn thing to do with not being able to cope with arguments. It’s about not being able to hear the truth, to hear what we really think about you. But you couldn't stay and listen to that. Instead, you waited until we left, and then you left.

And this is what I would have said to you. I would have told you firstly how you're the biggest disappointment in my life. I never felt like you loved me,  yet I made excuses up, hoping that when I was older and no longer controlled by hormones that you'd be there for me. That you'd come to me and hug me, and not because I'd come to you first, but because its how you show that you love someone. You'd be the one to dry my eyes when I was crying, and to tell me that I deserved better than any of those boys who hurt me, and treated me like dirt. And more than anything, you'd just be that person who I looked up to.

But you was never him, and you ended up hurting me more than any of those boys who hurt me before. The one person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally, absolutely killed me.

I'd also tell you that you never deserved mum. Not once in twenty five years of your marriage did you deserve to have such an amazing woman beside you when you were such a poor excuse for a man yourself. And yet you took her for granted, and no words could ever begin to even justify the way you've treated her. Nothing at all. And I'm angry because I look back and remember the times when you were happy and I feel sick, because they were a lie. There was always this other life you were living, a life where we didn't exist, and how can I ever look at you again and smile, when all I can think is how could my own dad even pretend to not have this family? 

So I hope that you're happy, and that she was worth it, because you no longer have a daughter, not that I doubt you even care. But one day, you'll realise just how lucky you were to have us, and on the same day we'll probably already be over you, and realising that we never needed you.

- Lo x

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