Saturday, 19 November 2011


I don't know at what point in my life my trust issues became so fucked up, but they are. Freud can sit here, and analyze that due to my dads new casonova status that he affected me, or some could argue it was when my first boyfriend cheated on me, and then I continued to date people who didn't appreciate me until they'd let me go. But during some period in twenty one years of my existance, I lost the ability to trust. And here I am, at the most emotional time in my life so far, and I have this amazing boyfriend by my side. But when did that not become enough? When was it not enough to have everything. A boyfriend who is an open as I am myself about how he feels for me, how much he loves me. He takes care of me, and makes me feel secure, and hes there whenever I need him, I know he is. And yet somewhere, inside, I continue to push, push, push. And its because I'm scared to trust in him, scared that he might take the same route all the men in my life have taken, the exit. Scared that he might wake up one day and realise that I'm not that girl for him. And so I push.  I have every thing I have ever wanted in a guy, and I push him away.
And the most fucked up part about it is that deep down, I know I trust him. I know that he means what he says, and that it'd kill him to see me hurt. I know that he's as good as its going to get, because no person could ever compare to him. He's that one in a million guy. And I ask myself again, why the fuck are you so scewed up?

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