Wednesday, 2 November 2011

A thought.

In the past few thinks, I've really thought a lot. About the person I am, and the person other people percieve you to be. And for a while, I blamed myself for my dad leaving. Was I, perhaps, too grumpy, too moany? Did I not go to him enough, and share enough? Did I not make him feel like I loved him? But then I got angry with myself, and I thought, fuck you. I'm a hormonal teenager, I hate the world and love it in equal measures, and sometimes I'm just angry. At everything, and nothing at the same time. I get pissed off easily, but those times are outnumbered by the times when I'm happy. And I am a loving person. Its in my nature to show the people closest to me how much they mean to me. So I said a huge fuck you to him for ever making me doubt myself, or the person I am. Because I'm one of the good people, and we all know the world is falling short on them. 

And you know what makes me sad? That all I ever wanted from him was for him to show me that he actually loved me. To not hug me because I'd gone to hug him. But to come up to me, reach out and just pull me into his arms. Or to tell me that he loved me without saying me having said it first. I just wanted to feel like I had a dad who wanted to be a part of my life. I guess I always felt that he didn't love me, and I'm not writing this blog, and hoping that all who are reading it are getting out their mini violins, and playing me a sad symphonyto the sound of my own pity party tune. I just want you all to understand that sometimes, we can spend so long chasing something that isn't there, and sometimes, theres not a damn thing we could've done differently. Some people are just born into this world to disapoint, and to look after themselves, and we're all better off without them. And that's the thing I've learnt the most.

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