Monday, 12 December 2011

20 Days.

In just twenty days, it'll be a new month. And an entirely new year. And I can't wait. Sometimes, we're sad to leave a year behind, especially one that has held good memories, ones that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. But sometimes, something can happen to wipe out all of those memories, and you're left wanting nothing more than a fresh start. 

This year has held some good times for me, it has. For starters, I went to Elounda in Greece with my nan, and was shown around the place that is essentially her second home. The same little island that she's been visiting for years, and meeting all of those friends she's made out there, and its an experience I will never forget. And I can't wait to go back next year, and see more of Elounda, and to meet those people again.
I also met my boyfriend this year. Although I've known him for a while, we got closer this year, 

and I never would have thought he'd become this person in my life that means as much as he does to me. You see, that's the crazy thing about life. We can see a person in a fleeting moment, or even day in, day out, and we never really know what the future has in store for us. We don't know that one day, that person will become so important to us. And he is important to me. Not just because hes been here for me during one of the toughest times on my life, but because he's the epitome of the perfect boyfriend. And for the first time, I've met someone so special, who in return makes me feel so loved, and adored, and special, too, and I just know he's a keeper. I'd be content to spend the rest of my life alongside him, because it doesn't get any better than it does with him. 

But despite the good times, and there's been many more, I have this hole in my life. A void. One that is missing, and its that dominating male role that I guess I crave. I don't have a granddad, and I no longer have a dad, and I think I just want that male figure in my life. You know, the burly male who gives big, bear hugs, and cheers you up. And I've never really had that. And since my dad left, it feels as though I need it now, more than I ever did before. And it's sad to feel like something fundemental is missing in your life, something you can't just create, or buy.Something that can't easily be replaced by any old person. And I'm not sure that hole ever does get filled, or goes away. You just learn to live without it. And I know that I will. Every day I get stronger, but sometimes you can't help cut cave in and let the cravings take over.

But sometimes out year holds painful memories for us, ones that we hope to one day, not forget, but allow ourselves to look back on, and take stength from, notfind ourselves feeling broken, or hurt anymore. And I want that. I want to go into the new year and forget the people in the past who've literally broken me apart. I don't need those people in my life. Its hard, I know that. And its painful, and it doesn't go away overnight. But I want to take a new attitude into 2012, and now dwell on misery, because life is too short. And one thing I have learnt is that time is so precious. It is the one thing that can't be bought, and I don't want to waste my time on the people who walked away without so much as a glance back. 

So, I'm going to give myself nineteen days. Nineteen days to be angry, or sad. Or cry if I want to cry. I'm going to give in to the emotions, and just let myself feel them. And the next day, as midnight comes and everyone is celebrating the new year being here, I'm going to kiss my boyfriend, and welcome 2012. And as I do so, I'm going to have the biggest smile on my face, because I know that you'll be somewhere with a not so genuine smile on your face because you'll finally realise what you've given up on. And then I'll laugh, because I'm smiling at the fact I don't need you anymore . . . 

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