Thursday, 7 July 2011

Three Syllables.

I love you.

Three simple words; three syllables; no meaning. 

I've had three boyfriends that have told me that they love me, and I'm not sure either of them meant it. It's supposed to be this big moment in a relationship. The days turn into weeks, turning into months, and you grow in this relationship together and then you say it for the first time, and its like this rush of adrenaline. It takes you into the next stage of a relationship. But those three words that seem to mean to much can sometimes mean so little when we look back.
'Boyfriend Number 3' was the one who meant it the least. He's the kind of guy who, on the surface, is suave, and charming, his humour outrageous and addictive. He has a magnetic type of persona, pulling people towards him and his easy, laid-back attitude. But underneath it all he's scared of being alone. His bed notches aren't examples of the time when he was a player, or a man-whore. They're examples of him not wanting to be alone, nor in a relationship, but needing someone to fill a void in his life. And when the notches did turn into girlfriends, he adopted the same routine.
Date girl. Make girl fall. Tell girl he loved her. Leave Girl.
And at the time, I was caught up in this rush. It made me feel good to know he loved me, that he'd be the one guy to not hurt me, or make me feel insecure and inadequate. The I Love You came in a text, and as I read those three words, I remember feeling this skip in my heart beat. But he didn't mean it, not one of them words, not one syllable, because it was routine for him, habit. There came a time when it felt necessary to tell that girl he loved her, it was all part of his destructive routine. 
And you know, when I look back, I don't feel hurt, or sad, or heartbroken that he said those words to me that are meant to mean so much, because I'm not sure I meant them either. I was caught up by his charm, but if you were to strip that all away, he wasn't the guy I thought I loved. I was in 'love' with the idea of someone who wasn't real, and this guy was someone I would've never given the time of day to if I'd known, so he was a learning curve really, a learning curve that however perfect someone may seem, don't rush head on in there, because people also surprise you.
'Boyfriend Number 2' is the killer. I dated him for the smaller amount of time, but he had the biggest impact on me. For such a long time, I couldn't get over him, and when he moved on to his next girlfriend, and still showered me with attention, I was caught up in this hope that he'd pick me over her. I mean, come on, what was I thinking?! It's an unwritten rule that if a guy has a girlfriend and is still flirting with other girls, hes a complete twat! Right? Right. But it doesn't stop us from hoping, does it girls?
 And when he flirted, or led me on, I still hoped, I still let him have me dangling from his little finger, and I'm angry because I think that, even now, there's still this part of me that craves that attention, and whether that's because I still like him or not, I'm not sure. But I do know that sometimes in life you meet a person that you can never truly let go off, even when time passes.
And when I look back, I don't even remember the time that he told me he loved me, but I do know it was too soon. He probably didn't mean it, but I don't blame him. I was his first girlfriend, and relationships are a cliche. We're led to believe from our favourite rom-coms that the I Love You is needed. He was a newbie, and we were playing out a routine. Did I love him? I'm not sure. But I do know that whether it is a year, or two, or even ten down the line, if I ever run into him and he gives me that lazy, cheeky smile, he'll probably have the same impact on me. And it's not love, maybe it's lust, or an addiction.
'Boyfriend Number 1' - god is this boy a fuck-up. This was my first and longest relationship, and I was the one that was new to the term 'boyfriend'. And he showered me with meaningful texts, and promises of an eternal life together. It suffocated me, if I'm honest. I think I was too young for something so serious, so powerful, and I don't think I loved him, not as my boyfriend, but maybe as a friend, and that was confusing to comprehend at just sixteen.Especially when the feelings I had for his best friend were stronger than the ones I had for him.
But he was the most insecure, jealous, and unsteady guy I think I've ever met. He's a male with a female perspective on the world. Everything that annoys men about women was in a complete role reversal. And then there's the fact that he cheated on me. The fact I forgave him and wasn't that upset, or surprised come to that, should have been a huge indication that this wasn't love, that this guy wasn't my 'soul mate' or the one I would marry. He was yet another person who couldn't be on their own and when they were, they clung to somebody else.
And the most fucked up part is that I think he was the one that genuinely loved me. It's weird to say that after everything I just said, but I think he clung to me so much because he didn't want to lose me, not knowing that that only pushed me further away. But he taught me that I would never again be with someone who cheated on me, even if I did care, and loved that person. 

So, here I am. My twenty first birthday is approaching, and the three I Love You's that I've received during my brief relationship history that are meant to mean something didn't really mean anything at all. There's no first love, or the one that got away. Just three different empty set of words.
But I'm still young, and one day, whether it be this side of 2011, or in many years to come, I will meet someone, and I won't have to reciprocate their I Love You's because it feels routine, and they will look at me and say it, in person, for the first time because its genuinely how they feel. And when that happens, it'll be worth it.

Your heart can never be truly given to one person in whole. It's already been given away in smaller parts, not always to the people that you love, but the people that you share with, and learn from. The people that really made an impact on your life, but one day, the piece that means the most is given away to someone, and if they're worth it, they'll cherish it.

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