Monday, 1 August 2011

Chasing a Faith.

Until now, I never really knew where I stood in respects to my religious views. When people would ask, I'd simply say that I didn't believe in God, and I still don't. I guess evolution is how I imagined the world beginning, everything slowly developing into more humane creatures, bringing humans from sea, to land, to man and woman. But lately I've been questioning my belief in God. I still find it hard to accept that so many people can believe in a man with the power to create a world, and yet in that world we have people who act with no remorse, their crimes and actions, which causes so much terror, and fear, as well as pain, sometimes going unpunished. 

But lately, I've felt like I need a figure in life to seek guidance from. I have my mum, and she is without a doubt the person I talk to the most about anything and everything, but sometimes, you just need someone you don't have such a physical relationship with, if that makes sense? Somebody who won't just hug you, or shower you with this powerful, unconditional love, but someone who will make you question the choices you make in life.

I climbed up into the loft today and dug out the bible I was given at my christening, practically twenty years ago now.
I read it once, when I was about ten, and hadn't yet discovered shopping, or boys. It still had the ancient old bookmark in it, right near the end. But the thing is, I can't remember reading the bible, or ever feeling an emotional connection when doing so, even back then. The words and pictures on the pages were just stories to me.

I'm not sure what, eleven years later, I expect from reading it. But I hope that at one point, something speaks to me, something to give me at least a slither of faith that He is a part of life. I know God isn't there to answer your prayers for expensive red soled shoes, or to help you find your latest beau. I get that He's more than that. That He's a friend, always waiting to lend an ear and to listen to you. That He doesn't speak to you directly, in so much that he sits down next to you and talks, but more that He allows you to speak to him instead, and in your own words, you seek the answer, or the direction you were looking for to begin with. But I also know that people can feel the love of God in a way that I never have. And I don't know whether that's because he doesn't exist, or because I've never given him the chance to exist, but I do know that it would be nice to have someone in life, someone whose there, but not physically, who you can turn to in the times that you need them the most. 

But then I think about the people who suffer, and die. And how it's supposed to seem like God's plan for them to do so, but I sometimes think that people just learn to accept that there's no cure for them, that their body has let them down, and in that acceptance, they thank God. But in retrospect, it was never about Him. 

I'm not sure what I want, but I think that it's to feel like there's something bigger than just life. Some kind of power who watches down over people, I'm just now sure that for me, it's God, but I envy the people who do have a faith that's strong, and that never lets them down. 

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