Sunday, 14 August 2011

The Fear of Falling.

You know that saying, that sometimes people find us in the most unexpected ways. A person we may have known for a while, or perhaps only met that day, they come to us in the times we don't expect, or we're not looking. Well, its true. 

I went out last night with somebody I've known for a while, admittedly I've always had a thing for him, but I was never sure whether it was reciprocated, so I never acted on it. But lately, we've talked pretty much every day, and I wonder why it never happened sooner. For that, there's no real answer, but for the first time in what seems like my twenty one years of existence, I've never been so scared to mess up.

"It's like once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again. Like you have this fear that every person you start to like is going to break your heart."

He's not like all them other guys. For one, he's single. The story of my life up until now has been that I always fall for the guy who already has his girl. And I think that a part of that is because, deep down, I know I can never have them, so I don't have to be scared of getting hurt. But I'm at a point now where I can look back and see that my past relationships didn't all fail because I dated such idiotic, poor excuses for men, but because perhaps, I too, messed up at times. 

But now, here I am with this guy who is single and available, who doesn't seem to play games, and when he asks me out, hes asking me out. He's not overly gushing, and neither is he boring, his texts make me smile, and at times laugh, when I sleep he doesn't just zone out and become dead to the world, he reaches out and pulls me towards him. He kisses me randomly on the forehead, the cheek, the mouth. And I can't get enough of him if I'm being blatantly honest.

And go forth, fear.

I'm scared that he will think that I'm not good enough for him. I'm scared that, just like all those other guys, he'll give up, and this will just fizzle out into nothing. And most of all, I'm scared that I'll want more than he's looking for. 

He's everything that, before now, I've not been looking for.
But until this moment, I hadn't realised that what I was previously looking for was all wrong.
He's exactly what I do want. And again, that scares me.

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