Saturday, 2 April 2011

The Unknown.

Sometimes, the not knowing where life will go is the hardest part to accept. It's easy to get lost in the blur of a fantasy world where we're untouchable. Where we're lucky to survive life without sickness, and heartache. That we're going to achieve everything we set out for, and we'll live happily ever after.

But sometimes, when I can't sit and pretend, I get these feelings wash over me, and they're as real as life can get. Instead of thinking that my life is going t
o be this picture perfect bubble, I think of all the things that could go wrong. And I get this horrible, intense feeling that something bad will happen to me. That I will be one of those unfortunate people. That maybe I will marry the perfect man, and that he'll be taken from me somehow. That I'll be consumed with incurable heartache for the rest of my existance. That I'll get sick, and there'll be no cure. And before I have enough time to see the world, to make my own impact, it'll be too late. That all the times I've moaned about feeling sick, or having headaches, I didn't realise I was sick. nd not with a cold. Something more severe, more permanent, like a brain tumour.

And to any person still reading this blog, I know I sound like a lunatic. But sometimes it's easy to sit back and feel as though you're untouchable. That bad things happen to other people, but not you. Because you're meant for greatness. You're talented, and the world needs to see that.

And the truth is, there is so much I want to do. I want to move out and own my very own flat. I want it to be too small, and full of clutter, but be so cosy just because its my own place. I want to finally learn to drive, and take off on random road trips. I want to publish my books, and see them turned into films. I want to co-direct those films, and feel a sense of acomplishment watching them come to life. Knowing that someone believes in my work that much, who isn't a blood relative. I want to find that man, you know, the one that takes your life and comletely alters it. Turns it upside down. And I want to marry him, and have children with him, and know that I've found that person to spend life with, side by side. I want to fight over petty things, and row over things that are more serious, and then I want to spend hours, afternoons into evenings, making up. I want to see my parents watching my children grow up. I want to buy them all of the things they sacrificed when having me and my brother. I want to buy them a house, in a nicer part of England, perhaps in the country, or by the seaside.

I want to see every one of my dreams coming true.

Sometimes thinking about the IF's in life is scary, because they're so real.

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